Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Asshole Has Landed

I'm an asshole.

Yep. Jury's in. The unthinkable, the thing I was most terrified would happen, happened.

That's right, there IS something worse than waking up in pee, or having your date run out when his ass explodes. Yep. There is one thing that is, by all accounts, WAY worse:

and that is your date finding your blog. The one you wrote ABOUT HIM. And he reads it.

Turns out, Explode-a-buttinksi is an excellent (and I mean hands down if I need to find some hidden in a box inside a another box in a closet in a hole shit I'm calling this guy) amazing google-er. I had googled my blog, lots of ways, and nothing comes up. He googles it, and BOOM, first entry on the list is me.

Me: You totally didn't find my blog. haahaa (nervous laughter) what? what are you talking about?
Haahaa yeah I did.
No, really? No, you didn't. Ok fine, what's it called (crossing fingers, praying at warp speed)
It's called...(this pause gave me enough time to have 3 aneurysms) Tastes Like Bad Decisions
heh heh, uhhh, and you think that's my blog? (shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit)

And yes. He read it. He read every single ass exploding snarky word of it. And then he texted me and said he read it. and then, as if karma has a funny side, the tables turned in the blink of an eye (or sphincter, as would be the case here), and it was me that practically crapped my pants. Not really, but you know, figuratively. Which is pretty damm close at this point. (might I say, an "ass-hair" away lol ok,ok)

In fact, he is probably reading this. Right. Now. (hi!!!!) lol. FML.

(the irony is that the night before I dreamed (I SWEAR) that the wild child/ac guy found my blog, and got super mad about it and I felt like an asshole. Cue asshole, oh here I am!!!)

He then let me know that my memory wasn't totally spot on, and corrected my blog for me. (What a giver--oh, God, I can't stop!!! this man is going to HATE me) sigh.

In his defense, he claims he refused my offer to pay the first time, and at my second insistence he accepted. We are going to have to agree to disagree to remember it differently. Either way, it was very cute to hear him defending himself. He also said he picked Thai b/c I was bringing into question his manhood, wow, who knew? lol. I thought his manhood was very much intact (let's hope in all ways lol), and didn't realize I was doing that. So, see, I suck toooooo. lol.

Then he peppered his conversation and banter with other stories from my blog. Which made my heart stop and head explode as I quickly tried to do a mental scroll of all the shit I've divulged on here and what he has now, clearly read, ingested, and judged me for.

Oh boy.

And now he probably thinks I'm nuts, a whore, or worse. None of which are true, but you know, I do tell all and leave no testicle unturned. (ahaahaaaaa) If some shit went down, I'm going to write about it in all its glory.

But then, something strange happened.

He said he was serious about his text. That he appreciated the honest feedback (it was the most honest he ever got, lol, yeah I bet, I mean how many other women blog about your ass-capades? heehee, c'mon, that was good). And that he found my blog hilarious. Sure it probably hurt his feelings a little, but he could also see it for what it was, and beyond anything I expected, and in spite of the looming possibility that I could blog about him again, he still wanted to see me again. Like on a date. With me. After this. In public. lol.

And I was blown away.

I mean, I know I've probably totally given him a complex, and he wanted to make sure he was dating me and not FoxyBlur, and that he wasn't just fodder for my blogging pasttimes.

All valid concerns, especially given that I'm clearly an asshole.

But, at the end of the day, I blogged because this crazy stuff was happening to me, not going out to find crazy stuff to blog about.

I agreed to a second date. A do-over of sorts. (because, really, sure there were some fuck ups, but it's a first date, there are nerves and stuff, and yeah he did have an incident lol, but overall I did have fun, and he doesn't seem like a bad guy. and I did like kissing him (who doesn't like dinner)). ;) And, ok, he was actually sweet. He made me laugh, he did open doors, he was respectful of me, didn't try to be sleezy or take advantage of me, and he was honest with me. I'm nothing but honest (clearly toooooo honest, I should shut up more or filter more or something lol), and I appreciate honesty from a guy more than anything. and he was you know, kinda cute. ;) And shit, he brushes his teeth and is willing to eat out of his comfort zone to impress me. Did I mention teeth brushing? YAY!

I also assured him that I went on that date to get to know him, which was true (and not to blog about it--listen that was just the result of the ass-cident--I mean, how could I NOT have blogged about it????), and that in spite of the fact that he thinks he came off with a mixed result, I am impressed by his manliness that he was honest with me, that he can take the constructive criticism (and not hate me? lets hope!), and laugh and still want to go out on another date with me.

In fact, it impressed the pants off me, which I'm pretty sure is his eventual goal anyway. lol. Like in a relationship, you know, lol. Evennnnntuallll I said. Eventual!!! Sigh, I should just stop talking lol.

So, maybe just maybe, at the end of the day (and with pepto in hand), this one actually is a gem. I'm going to stick around and find out, that is, if he'll have me.

(and if he doesn't hate me after this, blog #2 --hey at least this one isn't dedicated to his ass!!!! That's progress right?? Right!!!??)

Oh, shit, just accept it, I'm an ass. But at least I'm a cute ass! ;) <3 and he thinks I'm prettttty (blush)!


  1. Uh-oh. I'm cringing a little on your behalf. :)

  2. :) you know, papi corrects my blog for me all the time. and papi is always the star of the show too. but you already know that part

  3. Very true!!!!! And he doesn't hate you! I'm hoping mine doesn't hate me, but I don't know, I feel like I screwed things up. :(

  4. I can't believe he found your blog! Despite it being embarrassing and slightly cringey, at least he didn't rip you a new arsehole! - no pun intended lol.

    I think it's great that you guys are going to give it another shot - especially since his reaction to that blog post showed his manliness lol. You never know, date #2 could be a success!

  5. Hi Hazel! You know, I was super impressed with his manly approach and what it said about his manliness. Although, I will admit, he doesn't really text me anymore, and he has cancelled when we were going to hang out. He says he wants to, so we shall see. In my experience though, when he stops texting, he isn't interested. Shame, b/c I kinda liked him. :(

  6. Aww that sucks, the only positive thing I can say is that if it didn't work out then he wasn't the one for you. I know that's probably of little comfort though :(

  7. Oh this is so hilarious! Who knows it may have a happy ending in the long run. Dudes not brushing teeth? Do they live in caves for crying out loud? P.S. Each post of your blog just gets better and better. Consider me enthralled.

  8. I love that you're enthralled (and into ice cream lol). However, assman and I will not, it appears, have a happy ending. Lol. He said he met someone a few days later that he "likes better than me" which I'm pretttttttty sure translates to "she doesn't blog about my exploding ass and I can't get over you telling the internet about my dating fail"

    On the upside, I think we all know that she, whoever she is, cannot possibly be more awesome than me right? Let's go with that. So assman, enjoy the downgrade. ;)