Friday, June 10, 2011

And that was joining a dating website....

Have you been on a dating website lately? It's like that time you were at the bar, and didn't know what to order, so the bartender made you something "you'll love." Which, of course, you didn't love, but in fact hated, but drank anyway. It was blue, and frothy, and tasted like bad decisions.

And then you made some.

Like going home with the married guy who claims his wife swings and is cool with it. You know that guy, the one who gets up at 6am to leave (and says "the thing about taking home a married guy is that at some point they have to go home to their wife"--um, great? sounds good to me), and he puts on the one sock he can find, and leaves that way in the cab you called for him, because no way you're driving him home: you're still drunk from the night before (clearly, as evidenced by your sockless wonder romp), and no way you driving home to the wife (and visiting in-laws--although, that being said, I can see why he didn't want to go home lol)--talk about an awkward drop off.

I mean, do you wave?

And then you find his other sock. and his undershirt. and his boxers. on your floor.'s like that, but worse because every mouthbreathing, all caps writing, thinks he is God's gift dating reject is going to be emailing you. And, you. might. have. to. meet. them. UGH.

So, you ask why did I join a dating website? Well, meh, why not? I can always use some more laughter, misery, and weeping in my life, right? Right. That and I'm not getting any younger, I'm divorced, and last time I went to a bar to meet men I was less than worked up into a lather over the choices of weird older guy who stares, guy who dances like he is humping something, creepy middle age couple who *both* smiled creepily after offering to buy me a drink (and yes, I checked, it was a regular bar, not a swing club), and the general male population that seems to have huge egos without anything to justify it. So when I logged online and saw the profiles, emails, and lack thereof, I knew this was too good not to blog about. Someone has to laugh their face off, besides me.

So, here I am. Not to be unenthusiastic, I joined not one, but three sites. I am a proud new member of Eharmony, Match, and PlentyofFish (I knew something smelled).

Eharmony seems like the we're going to get you married but only if you're conservative, missionary position only, able to describe yourself and what you want in 330 characters or less per boxed area, and really, REALLY patient. However, the graphics are nice and I like that they make up questions for you, so you have to be even less like yourself (unless yourself is uber lazy when it comes to soliciting blind dates, which I totally am, in which case, you're in luck!). Unfortunately, there is so little room to write, that you have to decide between letting your personality come through or getting out the pertinent information about who you are in the most basic form and who you want to meet (and presumably run off into a sunset with. Someone, please, cue the sunset.) However, you have to wait really, really, patiently for them to match you with people. Even then, you message someone, and wait. Then they message you, and you respond and you wait some more. I'm not sure if it is a dating site, so much as training for getting your license renewed. Oh, come on, who doesn't love a trip to the DMV?

Match seems a bit more open minded, and by that I mean maybe you could be the kinda gal who is down with your man bending you over a couch, like you know, three times a year and on federal holidays (but only the ones where the post office is closed, of course). They let you write more stuff, and see other members. You get to select if you would be interested or not, which in a way, gives you more control. If they like you back, you could have a match. Or you could have an empty inbox that makes you feel a little sicker each hour you incessantly check it to see if anyone (how could there not be anyone? Isn't there like 3 million people on that bitch?!!?) has messaged you, winked at you, viewed you, or call requested you. (Of course they send you to their sister site, Chemistry, where you can join and pay another membership fee. However, if you think about it, everyone who joins Match gets this service/offer also, soooooo aren't you just paying a second membership fee to talk to the same people?). Hmmmm. Deleted that account....

Now, on to the gem of the bunch: Plenty of Fish. Oh man. This site is special because not only can you find people to date, you can also find people to bang, have "intimate encounters," hang out with, be friends, and whatever else they're calling getting dirty dirty with nowadays. It is like adult friend finder had a baby with eharmony and birthed this nugget of boom boom dating fun. If you're looking for some pics of guys in the bathroom, pics with their girlfriends cut out, with their wedding rings still on, and pics of a few nice normal looking guys--this is the place for you.

Now don't get me wrong, they are all very nice sites, in the business of finding you, the paying customer, someone to love. Sounds reasonable to me. So here we go!

(now cue the sunset!!!)

No comments:

Post a Comment