Thursday, June 16, 2011

Stop, drop, and roll.

I've re-evaluated. The nice guy from eharmony, I was giving way too much credit. I mean, sure on one hand we chat, text, and email all day, but I think I was somewhat blinded, albeit momentarily, but his talent. You see, skill and intelligence are HUGE turn ons for me. We're talking drooling, pants dropping, hump your leg on the side of the car turned on. He happens to have a talent (his work), and he is good at it. I admire it, and when I watch him work (not in person yet, but I saw a clip of some work he did), I was moved by it. Therefore, I may have over credited. Whichhh...I'm taking back. I mean, even though I made it clear I wasn't easy/that kind of girl (because who wants to "date" that kind of girl--I mean, sure you want to bang that kind of girl, but men are silly and complex and can't fathom that a girl who is that kind of awesome dating material can also be wild and a huge fan of sex.) I get it, many women aren't into sex, or aren't open, or aren't willing to experiment (and no, doing it with the light on or in a room other than the bedroom doesn't count as being "experimental" haahaa), or at the least many women don't sport a much more than a closed-minded-missionary-position-we-can-do-it-once-a-week-but-only-with-the-light-off-and-when-I'm-in-the-mood kinda of take on it. (Which, a lot of the blame for that falls on their man--hey sure, some women are cold fish/unintereted/have other issues regarding sex/body, but lots of women would be more into it if their guy took some time to get them turned on, and maybe, GASP, even bothered to pleasure them. Whoa, what a concept). Whereas, I'm very liberal in my views about sex, what it should and can be, and what role it should play in a relationship. Irony abounds when men want a woman that is open and into sex and believes it should be a big part of their relationship/marriage and then only seek out women who aren't down for that. Kind of funny actually. Next time I hear a guy complaining about his sex life, I'm just going to laugh and laugh and possibly even point. Heckle even. Maybe get a wave started.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, that's right, the nice guy. Well, I made it clear that I'm not that kinda girl (hahaaaa), but I have let him joke with me and we do have some lightly sexual banter going on. No biggie. However, I also realized, that recently while he has called to finally hear my voice (he sounded mostly male....), it was a short conversation and we really don't talk about the usual getting to know each other stuff. I mean, we did at first, work, jobs, etc., but lately I feel like I don't know much about his life, his family, etc. He doesn't know much about mine. And he seems fine with it. Which to me, indicates that he does in fact, think I'm the kinda girl he can bang for sport, (who doesn't like a sportfuck?--but he wouldn't be my first choice lol), he isn't really interested, or he is a bit weird. My gut is silent on this one so far. His actions speak louder than his (lack) of words, so it is a wee bit confusing. And men say women are confusing. I would bank on him being uninterested if he didn't email and text me constantly all day and night long. I mean, I don't contact him first, so it is all him initiating. Which, one would think, eh why bother. And let's be honest, while I do have super amazing and huge boobs, he hasn't seen a photo yet of them, so it can't be that. ;) lol.

Eh, whatever. I'm sure it will undoubtedly end in tears. And he is kind of dorky. His success may have landed him more ass than he should have gotten, and I'm starting to wonder if he has a bit of an inflated ego. I could be wrong. But I'm not.

Wildchild was upset he lost his bowling game. Oh boy. I've been thinking about it. I don't love bowling. I could play once in a while, but twice a week and on a team...not so much. On the other hand, having my partner out of the house twice a week would give me time to go out with the girls, wreck havoc, and look at porn privately so I can maintain my good girl image. Just kidding--I don't care about watching it in private. haahaaa.

I'm mustering up the strength to go on POF and matchymatch but I fear, I haven't eaten really today, and I don't know if I could handle the pain on a mere 25 calories I ingested so far. And considering those calories tasted like a sponge, I'm going to go with no. I'm going to need at least a turkey sandwich to make it through. Or an orgasm. Either one will do. And despite my gnawing hunger (my watch is starting to make me salivate), in true form, I'd still pick the orgasm. On second thought, match and POF are the places to find men for "not-dating"--oh, but wait, they probably are the type who think that once they start shooting like a garden hose that the "sexual encounter" has ended.

Those men should be not be allowed to have sex at all. Ever. Or eat cheese (delicious!)--No pleasure for them at all. Maybe negative pleasure, like ball gag and S&M straps tying up the aforementioned boomshackalacka--unless, they're into that. In which case, idk, ice buckets down the pants? Something distasteful at the minimum.

Instead of a scarlet letter for adulterers, we should make these men (who ruin it for everyone) wear something similar, like maybe a bright orange penis with a "no" sign over it--to warn women not to bang these men. Imagine if the reverse was true. Imagine me with some guy, and he gets me off first, and I pop up like a freaking jackinthebox and say something like "whew, that was great!" and start getting dressed. Can you just picture his face! hahaaa. He would without hesitation (once he realized what was going on) immediately object, probably with the hard object sticking out for emphasis, wildly start gesturing and pointing to it, and demand to know what was going on (and where the hell did I think I was going leaving him like that, you bitch--whoa, got a little real there didn't it). lol. What is going on, is exactly what most men do to women. You're done does not equal "GAMEOVER." Geez. Instead, I'd be called a tease and worse, and they would get pissed. Um, hello, guys, now apply this to your sex life and seeeeeee the problem? So, therefore, match and POF will just leave me unsatisfied, pissed, and did I mention pissed? (but hopefully, unlike my last date, not PEED ON).

I just ate a pickle. Which, by all accounts, did not help the situation.


Speaking of garden hose delights, I know a girl who had a harrowing experience with a supersoaker. No, not the toy, the hidden in the pants, unassuming, old faithful geyser that explodes without warning. She was over his place, for a first bob at the apple, so to speak, and he rewarded her alacrity with a full body hosing. (Bukkake for 10? No waiter, I only ordered one serving please.) Immediately I thought of those tanning spray machines--why? lol, yeah, that's where my mind goes, and-- he was apparently also selfish in that area, sooooo lose-lose? I mean, I can appreciate a supersoaker, hell, go big or go home--that's my motto (or in this case, don't take genie out of the bottle and go home), but then, I am not the usual. And to add insult to injury I saw her the next day--and no tan. Pffft. What a gyp!!!! Apparently, he exploded sooo much that she had to ask to take a shower in his apartment. There she was, scrubbing off his globs of motionpotion, and she had to ASK him to reciprocate. (What a catch...delete his number asap!). Anyway, so as they were sitting there afterwards, she had to stop and ask him for MORE napkins b/c not even a shower could get his swimmers off her body. Talk about staying power. If only my (waterproof my ass) sunblock stayed on half as well! I suggested next time she request Bounty by name, you know, the quicker picker upper. I might even write to Bounty and suggest this for a commercial. I mean, we all know how hard that shit is to get off, right? She doesn't know it, but I'm planning on getting her a roll for Christmas. She's gonna love it. :) I also plan to teach her the benefits of "stop, drop, and roll"--good for putting out all sorts of fires!

Speaking of reciprocation...I have a full reciprocity policy. Like that shirt I picked up in Mexico over spring break, "68, you do me and I'll owe you one"--Amen, sister. Amen. Granted, you can cash in that IOU immediately after I wake up from my post-orgasm nap. ;)

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