The "Nice Guy" from eharmony: (soon to be known as Tugboy)
So no shit there I am talking to my mom when my caller ID goes off. To my shock, it is him. The nice guy from eharmony that I kinda like but am worried he is too conceited because he gets way more ass than he should for his looks. You know, that guy. I'm even more surprised because in spite of our all day everyday emailing and texting, I've only had one phone conversation with him. Well, two if you count the fact that he hung up on me right after he called the first time. "OH NOOO!!! Can I call you right back?" --best first convo ever. So, fine, we'll call this the "3rd" phone call.
So we're chatting, the chemistry is good, he has a cute voice and I'm thinking, wow I kinda like this guy. (Which undoubtedly means there is something REALLY wrong with him, like he was born with a tail or has bodies in his fridge, or he will hate me in person). Either way, it will end in tears. So, whatever, I'm gonna enjoy the damm moment. I mean, after all the shit email and crazies I get, I deserve to feel nice for a few minutes. Cue basking in the glow.
Remember how I said he was really nice? Remember how I'm wrong a lot? Yeah. About that.
So, you know how when you're going along thinking wow, this is great? Well, that is the universe's cue to come and fuck you in the ass. And not in the good way. More in the no lube, wayyy too big but he's hell bent on sticking it in anyway, and now you're wishing you didn't have that big enchilada plate dinner earlier? yeah, like that.
You know the universe was thinking, awwww how sweet she's basking in the glow, time to F it up. He gets quiet for a second (I'm thinking what is he going to say he loves me? (AHH RUN!) Do I have another Stage 5 clinger?? Or maybe ask me for cash? Or tell me he is a wanted felon in 6 states? --because you know, that would totally be my luck). He says he has a confession to make. Oh good. A "3rd" call confession. (and why is your ass confessing to a girl you never met?? This can only go amazingly badly). And it does.
He says his back was hurting him the other day, so being in CA, he went to a massage parlor. YEP. You know EXACTLY where this story is going, and I did too. I tried to pray quickly and do that trick my mom did as a kid when she "turned her ears off," but alas, it was to no avail. I got to hear the details. He said he was soooooo relaxed (which, I mean, I can understand, I could totally misplace my boxers when I'm ssssoooo relaxed) and the nice Asian lady told him to turn over. Now, when you got there and she had you strip naked--this SHOULD have been your first clue. Even if she left the boxers on, the "you turn over now" REALLY should have tipped you off. What kind of massage did you THINK was coming????? A shiatsu nipple massage? Hot stone belly button treatment??? No shit.
Anyway, long story short, he said the "next thing he knew" she was all lubed up, grabbed his penis, and was rubbing one out for him (which I'm not banking on what he's packing in his breadbasket being anything that big, so you know, she probably had to search around in his boxers for a while to find it ---like I do in my big purse when I can't find my keys). Either way, he had ample time to realize this was a "Happy Ending" kind of massage, and stop it.
Now, if I wasn't TOTALLY in love before, his next statement sealed the deal. He said, "Well, I didn't want to offend her, or hurt her feelings and tell her to stop." So, he just let her jerk him off. WHAT a PHILANTHROPIST. Talk about a giver. Shit. I was overcome with benevolence--it was literally spurting through the phone. (Probably in a similar fashion to how he spurted all over his chest when she jerked him to a happy place). So, not only did I get a keeper, but I got a mental image burned into my brain to boot. His new name, by the way, is Tugboy. Just fyi. I mean, the way he put the masseuse's needs and feelings above his own--LAUDABLE!!! I can't imagine she wasn't LOVING jerking this 32 year old piece o' meat off. Talk about a man candy bonus! I know what you're thinking, when's the wedding? Gems like this don't come 'round every day. (Don't worry, if he tries to get away, I'll lube up and grab his junk--I mean, he won't want to hurt my feelings and say no....)
And what man, in his right mind, confesses this to a woman he has yet to meet but hopes to date? Really? What was the thought process behind that one? Hmm, she will never know I went to this place, and I'm single (please note I'm totally not even going into the illegality of this, which he asked about, and was surprised to know that "but I didn't know she was gonna do it" wasn't a viable legal defense had he been caught and arrested). Shocker. But really, who tells some girl they wanna date that??? WHO??? This guy.
The REAL winners of the evening---get comfy!!
The two real winners in today's story are John-who-works-for-really-important-people and DOD-why-won't-you-marry-me-guy. These two, you just can't make this shit up.
You see, I know John works for really important people because he told me so in his profile and his email no less than 4 times. Here's the email: (my commentary is in bold)
"my name is John and I love yr profile. (I see those two extra pesky letters in "your" was too much to ask for) We seem to have quite a few things in common especially Sightseeing, and Volunteering. (in Caps no less. and I'm totally down to build a relationship on just sightseeing and volunteering. totally) As a job I work as a Bodyguard (ooo you know you're extra important when your Profession is Capitalized, like in Ghost? You're SO my Patrick Swayze!) for very important people (#1) and im also a Retired Detective having worked in the Police Dept(No one, not even my dog, believes this shit. Retired Detective for what? Missing toilet paper? Yeah, if you were a cop, I flew to the store today, with my special magic wings). .My Bodyguard job is a serious job which i meet alot of interesting and important people (#2 you don't say). I know a spectacular Thai restaurant. Maybe we can try it some time. Are u into Thai food ?How did you know Thai was my favorite food? (that's you thinking) lol.(Ok, put the cup o' crazy down. WTF are you talking about? I didn't know Thai was your favorite food, as evidenced by the fact that we've never met nor talked, ever. Never ever. Ever. and what's "that's you thinking"--What? Have you invented a fake relationship we already have? I hope I'm a good imaginary gf) Of course well go for coffee first. (of course, I like my coffee with milk, one sugar, and a dallop of crazy) Oh by the way this is not a recording. (was that something I had to worry about? And if it was, by chance a recording, would I be able to READ it???) LOL.i cant believe yr single . (you and me both buddy) by the way thats a compliment (no, you don't say) If you're not in the mood for Thai food we could do italian.(Wow, it is just like an arranged marriage, if I don't want Thai we can have Italian. Thanks for making all the really important decisions for me. Now, what shirt should I wear?) I really loved you're profile which sent to me saying were a match (remind me to email match.com and question their "matching" protocols).
Now, if that email wasn't enough for me, I just HAD to check out his profile. (His photos by the way, are from the 1970s, no joke, and he looks like a serial killer even back then. In fact, some of the photos are of other people entirely and he isn't even IN them. I can understand a pic of your cat, but 5 pics of your sister's bridal party (which you aren't in)? Hmm, not so much.
Here's the gems from the profile:
swpm (what's the "p" for? Pedophile? Pinnocio? Penis-holder?) 6 ft., attractive(um, only if you like the I might EAT your face look), 190 lbs, slim, clean cut (again, we have to work on our adjectives), and I have all my hair(well Amen for that sister). My hair is brown and my eyes are light blue. I am fully Irish.! I come from a very large IRISH family (in case you missed it, he is IRISH!!!), and we are very tighly knit. I've never been married and do not have children.(not really surprised on that one) I enjoy volunteering at the local animal shelter in an effort to place homeless animals into good homes. (dear Lord, please tell me he is supervised) I've aways had a powerful connection with animals(Do they talk to you and tell you what to do?), and I frequently baby sit my brothers Explosive Detection Labrador.(does this mean the dog seeks out explosions/explosives or just blows ass a lot?) I love the ocean and all of the attractions and restaurants in NYC. I have travelled to Ireland on three seperate occasions. (as opposed to 3 occasions all at once?) I have a B.A. in Criminal Justice with a minor in Liberal Arts. (noooo one beeeelieeeevvess youuuu) A lot of people want to know what is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. (really? they do? you get that alot? Who are these people? Are we talking real people, or just those nice ones in your head?) Well here it is. (I'm waiting with baited breath, go on!) I went to the wrong open casket viewing last year. Immediately, "I knew I was in trouble," (but only in quotes, not reallllly in trouble) The person in the casket was a female and the wake that I was going to was supposed to be a male. (You know, you really must have been a detective--and supposed to be male...too easy) "HELLO". (your quotes confuse me. Does this mean hello like "whoa" or hello like he said that to the casket lady? Meh) Anyway, while in line, unfamiliar friends (why would they be familiar?? you're in the wrong line jackass) of the deceased were approaching me, asking me what did I like about Mrs. Smith. (well, you got in the wrong line dumbass--and "Mrs. Smith? Sounds believable...) I said she was the most beautiful person I had ever met. (that's nice of you, maybe you aren't a mass murderer) Can anyone beat that story?(Yes, yes, everyone, and I mean anyone and everyone CAN beat this story. My dog has better stories, and he can only bark them) This really happened.(you should write a book, talk about a page turner!) As far as my picture is concerned, it was snapped when I exited the funeral. LOL!(CREEPIER THAN I CAN EXPLAIN--and who is taking pics as you leave a funeral? and if you were at the wrong funeral, who exactly took this pic and how did you get it? hmmm) I could venture to say I have that impression from my picture. (no idea--I can't process this statement, I'm too busy being creeped out) I never have been photogenic and I dont like the way I look in pictures. (you got me there hot stuff, probbbbably b/c you look like a serial killer) Maybe, I'm doing myself a disservice by not smiling but so be it. (yeah, it makes me think you are a SERIAL KILLER "HELLO"--hahaaaa) I have many things to be positive about, including possessing all of my hair, teeth, and light blue eyes. (he has all his teeth and hair and both eyeballs. KEEPER!!!!) LOL.. Oh, I promise not to wear the suit in my picture, if we meet for a drink or coffee. (haahaaaa, so. not. happening.) I actually never wear a suit, unless I have to. (like when you go to the wrong funeral?) I prefer to meet for a cup of coffee or tea, because I am old fashioned. (what if I want a modern coffee? no go?) I think it is more appropriate and relaxes the atmosphere. (why, is that b/c you're slipping something in my drink?) So if there is no Cafe or Starbucks in your neighborhood, we can always go for a drink!. (is that old fashioned too?) You know in life you can't make someone like you (they broke the mold with you sunshine), and you can't predict chemistry. (unless you tie them up and hide them in your basement? Is this where you're going with this?) I try to have an open mind. Im looking for the geniune and natural woman,not the prettiest or skinniest like most other guys..(Did you just call me fat and ugly? Man, I'm totally putting out for this dude) I put some pictures beside myself. (yeah, I noticed, you weren't in any of the dresses) There's one with my mom ,and her two brothers. Also there's one with my family. Im all the way to the left. That was the mid 90's. (how about some 2011's?) There's also a picture of my sister's at my sister Sheila's wedding. (at this point I can pick Sheila out of a crowd from all the pics) I recently started going to the pistol range. (Oh God, he's got a gun) It's a really cool hobby. (no, not for you) And believe it or not it makes a great date night.(oh so this is how I'm going to die, awesome) Of course not the first one.lol.(he only kills on the second date, what a gentleman) The worst thing is when i lose to a woman.(oh, so you have some misogynist tendencies AND a gun, great) Hope there"s no Annie Oakleys out there. (he he, cue nervous laughter) That's my cat Frisky in the picture. (why does she look dead?) I brought her home from homeless shelter.(IS ANYONE SUPERVISING THIS MAN???)
Needless to say, I can't wait for our first date. I better bring my phone--truth or dare with this guy should be ammmmaaaazzzzinnngg. (see, future crime victim).
This guy's pic is so creepy, I don't even know where to start. He is in military fatigues, which only worries me even more. He looks like the Son of Sam, and he has access to guns. He is also way older than me, and I'm pretty sure, loose on a military base somewhere. Wow. Note to self, put up fake face photo of yourself ASAP. Here's his email (again my commentary is in bold)
"good afternoon, bon apri midi (he can't spell and I don't speak french, except for food items, dirty words, and "will you go to bed with me, so we're off to a good start)
I am happy that you have reviewed my profile. (I have done no such thing) I am an engineer with DoD and I work in APG with JPEO CBD. (Oh, because I know what all those letters stand for, cool--and who let you work for DOD? Geez) I like your profile and I see that we are a good match so far.(how you figure that?) I am welling to meet your friends and family for better assessment. (he's "weeeeelling" to meet mom and dad already? SCORE!) You can trust me and you will like my personalty. (Gosh, I just love it when men tell me what I am going to love. No. I wont love it you pompous jackass. I won't love it at all. and trust you? lol, ok, crazy. this is how people end up in trunks, dumpsters, and buried in the desert--by trusting anyone who suggests they can and should) It is up to you to where you wish to take this and how far. (Is it too late to go backwards? How's never? Does never work for you? How about half past fuck no? That good for you?) I am ready and honored to be privileged to the have the opportunity to meet you and to know in the near future.(there is a better chance I will wake up tomorrow and have grown a big spanking hot hairy penis) One more thing, I could be deployed as a civilian DoD to Afghanistan but I always return back to my old duty station and back to MD. (Since I live in neither Afghanistan nor in MD, shouldn't be a problem) It is part of my career to take assignments overseas as an engineer working for our Dept of Defense. (I'm seriously writing Obama a letter about our national security if this fool can be DOD and the other fool can be a Police Detective for Very Important People, who is screening these people? TSA Agents??) It is always easy just to say no and life moves on. (you have no idea how easy, yeah yeah, I'm a bitch, hmm that was mean, now I feel bad) I am devoted, sincere and respectfull. (well that is good at least!) Feel free to Call me (xxx) xxx-xxxx my mobile. (I x-ed out his number, b/c I know the urge to prank text him is too great for anyone to resist) Nice to meet you/ Bon chance. Good night... V/R... (his name). (what's V/R?)
So, a little off, but hey the email wasn't that bad. So I checked out the profile, and that is where the crazy took off and running.
Profile--As a Person with deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a Lady, such as that arising from future kinship, recognition of attractive ways. (wowzas, slowly backing away....) Ideal Match is attractive, smart, sensitive, accomplished, brave, and like challenges. (Is it me, or is this halfway 3rd person and halfway 1st person description kind of creepy like in a I have multiple personalities that are all trying to date you at once- kind of creepy. Brave? why? b/c you're gonna chase me around for sport? Why do I need to be brave?) I am looking for a true good old fashioned lady to accept me as I am, and to be my future wife if we only match. (what's with the old fashioned stuff? Oh, a lady? whoops, count me out ;) ) Time is sensitive and time cannot be reversed and/or controlled. (It's like listening to a prophet) I would like to find a true lady with the courage and high intellect to challenge me,(shouldn't be too hard, I know a cheeky blow up doll you might like) yet to love me truly. I understand that many women worldwide are afraid to be direct(clearly, that is my biggest problem) and many women are afraid of direct men. (no, just of men who want to lock me in their basement and speak in the 3rd person in creepy riddles to me) I understand that many women would like to commit for marriage but when it comes to real commitment and marriage then they change their mind at the end. (I'm gonna say I don't know too many women who run off. Maybe he does though....) I understand that women function on emotions (hey now), and women psychology is not as simple as men. Please, I know that there are fake people out there on this site, so try not to play games because I can easily find out if your are real or a scammer. (uh oh, here come's the DOD, bad girls bad girls, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when THIS guy comes for you? Run, obviously, in a zig zag pattern so it's harder for him to shoot you) Be careful money scammers because I know your game and I could find your location. (Ahhhhh!!!!, hmm maybe he can locate that dude who asked me for money lol)
Hence forth, I do not like to waste my time also on women who join this site and they are not sure what they want later on. (he will bitchslap your ass, watch out)
Hence forth, I do not like to waste my time also on women who join this site and they are not sure what they want later on. (he will bitchslap your ass, watch out)
OK, so that wasn't as bad. But after a day of lots of these emails (including one from a guy who I'm pretty sure is the best chance at finding extra-terrestrial life on earth), a bunch looking for gratuitous sex, and people who are just mean in general (listen, I'm NICE on my profile, so why would you email me on a dating website just to criticize my description of who I am and what I'm looking for?? WHY????) ---so after all that, yeah, my patience is gone, and I can't help but...yeah. See above.
As you can tell. Today was a SUCCESS. If you don't see another post from me. you know what happened. Please call some Very Important People, or the DOD (in the APG with JPEO CBD) and let them know that I can most likely be found locked in a basement with a cat named Frisky (who may or may not be dead) on my lap. Oh, and Sheila will be upstairs making lunch. She's be the one in the bridesmaid dress. You'll know what she looks like from every one of shitcrazy #1's pics on match.
And, somehow, suddenly, tugboy isn't looking half bad. I mean, shit, I got bail money in the bank. and lube. ;)