Mouthbreathers In The Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

Miss me? Nope. Yeah, well bite me. Go ahead, close the match. Everyone else does. lol.


Hobo In July (like Christmas, just smellier)

The Narcissist (who, let me remind you, was originally referred to as the "nice guy from eharmony" in past blogs--yeah, update that shit in your head b/c "nice" isn't really one of the adjectives I'm going to use for him. lol):

1. has not only been boring and more distant as of late, but also has mentioned how he plans to lose 3lbs a week from now on (haahaa, good luck with that sunshine, and PS maybe shave while you're at it, that should cut like 2 pounds of hobo from your ass---ooooh and if you keep wearing the long sleeve flannel in July you can probably sweat out at least a few ounces of douchebag),

2. stays up all hours to play Magic, the gathering (if we didn't know he was a keeper already...--and complains that people cheat in the game. Wait. People cheat at a magical card game? Could we reach a lower level of loserific? nope, ground floor, all mouthbreathers please exit the car),

3. is obsessed with that Final Fantasy game (yeah, haahaa, I bet that is the only fantasy you ever make come true darling--and not one where you'll ever end up naked), so much so that he uses it as his music inspiration, artwork, and as a reference point for his life.

Man, can I pick 'em or what?

Not that there is anything wrong with a hobby, or even those games, as dorky as some people think they are. Hey, we all have hobbies, you enjoy it, great. Who am I to give a shit? I don't. And besides, I have quirks too. I mean, it isn't every chick that gets lost watching archaeology shows or documentaries on gangs. (it was so freaking interesting, I'm serious, netflix that shit).

But seriously, it shouldn't be, nor take over, your ENTIRE life. Ever. No wonder he says he never gets laid. You don't say? Yeah, not a revelation there peaches. Although, I'm sure his comatose driving and general self-centeredness doesn't reallllllly help.

Sure, some women like assholes, but really, who likes a small inwardly turned prick? No. One.

Self Squealer

I mean, hell, I can barely handle him shooting off AT the MOUTH...Imagine him shooting off IN MY mouth? OHGOD. I'd imagine he ejaculates self congratulatory semen as well. Can you imagine? Oh, man, I've scarred myself. Talk about gag reflex. Ew. Probably screams (*squeals) his own name as he cums too. Sounds about right. And we can allll guess what the soundtrack to his "lovemaking" is. lol. At least there is no scan/seek button in bed.

He says he gets more action when single than when in a relationship.

I can totally see that. At first blush (assuming one is shitfaced drunk and he just told some impressionable chick that Tom Petty's gf thinks he rocks) I can see how he *might* get laid. Or at least blown. a little. like, no swallowing and certainly no facial action, but like, you know, maybe the tip, near or proximate to, someone's (maybe female) mouth. maybe. (no wonder he paid for it) But after a few dates (read: coma onset), I could see how one would never want to touch/blow/kiss/listen to/bang him again. It would be like when you grate cheese and catch your finger on the metal slicer, you just, you know, suck the wound, put on antiseptic, and buy grated cheese from now on. Cue antiseptic.


Distance (does not) Make the Heart Grow Fonder

So, he is also probably more distant b/c I somewhat balked at his "I respect you greatly email." If he respected me greatly, he would have the balls (or grow a pair of said balls) to tell me that he isn't interested. I can respect honesty, and not everyone is a match. I mean, if you have eyeballs you can tell from my blog I'm not over the moon about him either. If I wanted to date a narcissist, I can think of a few hotter and more well-groomed ones to start suffering through than this Lord of the Dance motherfucker. (I'm sorry, I should have named him that, because now that I used it once last post, I just can't stop calling him that. and I kinda heart it). big time.

Lord of the Dance motherfucker. aaahaahaaaaaaa.

Anyway, point being that I stopped being super nice and ignoring his shit. You're gonna say some shit, I'm gonna respond. I'm always myself, I am, but sometimes, especially at first, I know I can come off a bit much (have you read this blog? hahaa), and I try to wait until someone knows me to show my funny/unfiltered/oh-so-wrong side.

That time period has ended.


Revelations: You're Great But(t)....

So, yeah. I realized something valuable today. It was super depressing, but I guess true. Now, there are rare exceptions (my ex was actually super hot by most women's standards, tall, built, blond, blue eyed, chiseled looks...and yes, I got rid of him. He was an asshole/a drunk/stupid. When he asked me if Guatemala was in Africa, I knew it wasn't going to end well.You can fix many things, but you can't fix those things. And I'm not gonna try. No gracias, ya compre. I put his needs before mine, for like 6 years more than I should have, and I tried. I did.) but, overall, this is apparently truth...

What I realized is that this is me: (I'm going to put humble aside here, bear with me)

Intelligent/smart, funny (ok, maybe somewhat sarcastic and wrong, and needs a filter, but hey, it makes me laugh...and that's what matters right?), compassionate (shut up, I am, ask anyone), kind (see, compassionate), generous (I'm a giver, clearly), witty (contrary to my blog's content), successful (yeah bitches, I go after what I want), I'm honest (yeah, yeah, I know, filter, got it), ambitious (giving up is not an option--and adversity just makes me stronger), adventurous (i'm up for it!), and spontaneous (let's go!). I mean, I am.

I know this blog is flippant and sarcastic, but it is only one aspect of me . . . Magnified by the douchebags who ask me out.

The rest of me, well, I volunteer, I love helping people, and animals. I can't pass a homeless person without giving him something. I can't walk past a starving stray on the street dodging cars without doing something about it. I put myself out there, heart and all. I love hard. I care, I genuinely give a shit, and there is little I wouldn't do for someone I care about. I'm family and career oriented, and I always go out of my way for my partner--to please them, in every way, to support them, to share and communicate. I get what matters, I don't do drama, and (obviously) I don't put up with bullshit. Liars, assholes, douchebags, keep going. I try to do what is right, even when it is hard.

And to top it off, I'm pretty. Like really pretty. I'm fun. I love to laugh, I'm well rounded. I have my shit together (except, of course, in the relationship department), and I'm a catch. My flaws are that I was married (we all make mistakes yo) and hence, now divorced, that I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, and that I'm a bit heavier than I should be. Now, we aren't talking the USSBIGASS here, or like a boat, and I do compensate with (super awesome) huge boobs (cleavage for miles = understatement), but still, I should be and am trying to be thinner.

For health, for me, for tube tops.

and I'm great in bed. seriously. I'm open, experimental, wild, vocal, naughty, talented, non-judgmental---the whole 9 yards. and I love giving. I mean it. love. giving. love love love. lol. TMI? Probably, but you asked. What? You totally did. Stop lying.

Amen.

And yet.

None. Of. That. Matters.

Not even a little bit.

Turns out, the only thing that matters when you're online dating is that you aren't (not even a little bit) fat. Yep. Hope you're a reallllllllllllll skinny bitch, because that is all that any guy cares about. Sure, attraction has to be there, but:

1. I'm not scary. seriously, Im not. Im even pretty.
2. I give these fell on my face on the way over to your place ALLCAPSLOCKTYPING idiots a shot, because chemistry can come from other things and it is the person who matters most.
3. Did I mention I'm pretty? and not scary?
4. I've dated. I've had men in love with me. I've had flings, sex, ffs, bfs, and even a husband--allll while looking like this. In fact, some when I looked less cute. So, clearly, someone does, and can, find me attractive. (see #1 & #3 for reaffirmation).


Soooo You Want a Bitch, But Not a Bitch? Got it.

but it doesn't matter. Which is crazy to me. I'm allllll these awesome things, and none of it matters? How can that be? How can the shitcrazy, dumb as a rock, materialistic, undriven, unsuccessful, but skinny bitch be the one they want? Guys constantly complain that women are crazy, full of drama, materialistic, gold diggers, bitches--helloooooo, then why are those the ones they date?


Rejection Recap

Meanwhile, the bald older fat guy (that I was kinda actually into a little) closed the match when I sent him my "can't stands & must haves" on eharmony-- which is weird, b/c "being a bald older fat guy" wasn't even in my can't stands list. It was flat out rejection central. Felt good.

Then the guy with like 8 chins --(you know, it is funny, I'm heavier than I should be sure, and I put up pics that show what I look like, I always err on the side of describing myself as heavier than I am when picking descriptive nouns, etc. because I'd rather have someone be happy that I look better than expected than worse, and yet, men seem to have no issue describing themselves as having "a few extra pounds" when they weight 400lbs and are about to have weight loss surgery, or as "about average" for body type when I'm pretty sure I could lose my cell phone in a chin roll. Incredible. It really is. I mean, I don't care, I have no issue dating a heavier guy or a skinny guy--it is the person that counts to me--but guys seem to have no body issues at all. I mean, I would think that a guy who legit weighs 400lbs, or even 300lbs, would be somewhat anxious about how he looks and worried the girl might not be into him. Nope. not even a wee bit. Meanwhile, I'm underselling myself and worried that I might not be portraying myself accurately by posting some pics of me that came out especially good (along side some not so good ones). Dripping with irony.


Last Call For Giving A Dammmmmm

So. new plan. I'm gonna be like a guy. I am who I am. I think I'm pretty awesome. Don't like me? Your loss dicknose. That's right. I said dicknose. booyah. snort that.)-- anyway, guy with like 8 chins didn't reply to my "can't stands & must haves"--hmm seeing a trend. I'm closing his match tomorrow. Well, at least I won't waste 5 hours searching for my cell after our date.

I was also summarily rejected by a guy who works in "transportation services" (read: bus driver), a guy who looks like the before picture in the plastic surgery/derm office magazine--you know the one you look at while you wait and that makes your chin drop and think to yourself, shit, I should get some botox or something because those before and afters are AMAZING!--yeah that guy), and a the rest I didn't even bother to look.

Oh, and man you should see the 2 who emailed me on POF. One's a martial art obsessed guy who looks like he might try to lure me into his fight club and beat the shit out of me. Now, I can appreciate a hobby, but if you have 20 pictures and ALL of them involve a head band tied ala Karate Kid, I'm gonna say too far. too far. Or the other who clearly is rocking his ESL classes, and who is sporting a sexy photo of himself in a hot tub with like 7 "gold" chains. Hmmm, yeah, you're looking for a relationship, no doubt. He said I was "rumbling around in his head all day"--and I'm going to say there must be a hell of a lot of empty space up there for that to happen.)

My new plan is to contact every match, that way they make a decision (usuaaaally to close me lol) but at least it thins out my list. I'd rather have some movement, even if it is out the door. So, slash and burn= new dating motto. Don't like me, fuck you. :) Don't let the closed match hit your ass on the way out buddy.


Leave Me Breathless Baby

Sigh. And this, my friends, is why I have a date lined up with a guy on (permanent) crutches, a guy who can't use full sentences (he loves a good fragment?--he must, b/c he hasn't mustered a single sentence utilizing a verb AND a noun yet, I know, I know, I'm a demanding bitch), and a guy who while sweet is super young, sheltered, and generally clueless.

I'm introducing him to a carrot this weekend.

I'm so fucking serious.

Someone, kill me.

thanks.

Rub a Tugtug, 2 Shitcrazies in the Tub.

Miss me? Well, you would be the only one who did. Because no one on a dating site does! haahaaaaaa. Although I did get a guy today on match who thinks we should get together and play strip Jenga. Be still my heart. He gave me his number, (speed dialing that bitch asap), and I'm totally calling him tomorrow. He is also wearing a blue wig in his profile pic. Can we say WINNNNNINNGGGG???!!!


The "Nice Guy" from eharmony: (soon to be known as Tugboy)

So no shit there I am talking to my mom when my caller ID goes off. To my shock, it is him. The nice guy from eharmony that I kinda like but am worried he is too conceited because he gets way more ass than he should for his looks. You know, that guy. I'm even more surprised because in spite of our all day everyday emailing and texting, I've only had one phone conversation with him. Well, two if you count the fact that he hung up on me right after he called the first time. "OH NOOO!!! Can I call you right back?" --best first convo ever. So, fine, we'll call this the "3rd" phone call.

So we're chatting, the chemistry is good, he has a cute voice and I'm thinking, wow I kinda like this guy. (Which undoubtedly means there is something REALLY wrong with him, like he was born with a tail or has bodies in his fridge, or he will hate me in person). Either way, it will end in tears. So, whatever, I'm gonna enjoy the damm moment. I mean, after all the shit email and crazies I get, I deserve to feel nice for a few minutes. Cue basking in the glow.

Remember how I said he was really nice? Remember how I'm wrong a lot? Yeah. About that.

So, you know how when you're going along thinking wow, this is great? Well, that is the universe's cue to come and fuck you in the ass. And not in the good way. More in the no lube, wayyy too big but he's hell bent on sticking it in anyway, and now you're wishing you didn't have that big enchilada plate dinner earlier? yeah, like that.

You know the universe was thinking, awwww how sweet she's basking in the glow, time to F it up. He gets quiet for a second (I'm thinking what is he going to say he loves me? (AHH RUN!) Do I have another Stage 5 clinger?? Or maybe ask me for cash? Or tell me he is a wanted felon in 6 states? --because you know, that would totally be my luck). He says he has a confession to make. Oh good. A "3rd" call confession. (and why is your ass confessing to a girl you never met?? This can only go amazingly badly). And it does.

He says his back was hurting him the other day, so being in CA, he went to a massage parlor. YEP. You know EXACTLY where this story is going, and I did too. I tried to pray quickly and do that trick my mom did as a kid when she "turned her ears off," but alas, it was to no avail. I got to hear the details. He said he was soooooo relaxed (which, I mean, I can understand, I could totally misplace my boxers when I'm ssssoooo relaxed) and the nice Asian lady told him to turn over. Now, when you got there and she had you strip naked--this SHOULD have been your first clue. Even if she left the boxers on, the "you turn over now" REALLY should have tipped you off. What kind of massage did you THINK was coming????? A shiatsu nipple massage? Hot stone belly button treatment??? No shit.

Anyway, long story short, he said the "next thing he knew" she was all lubed up, grabbed his penis, and was rubbing one out for him (which I'm not banking on what he's packing in his breadbasket being anything that big, so you know, she probably had to search around in his boxers for a while to find it ---like I do in my big purse when I can't find my keys). Either way, he had ample time to realize this was a "Happy Ending" kind of massage, and stop it.

Now, if I wasn't TOTALLY in love before, his next statement sealed the deal. He said, "Well, I didn't want to offend her, or hurt her feelings and tell her to stop." So, he just let her jerk him off. WHAT a PHILANTHROPIST. Talk about a giver. Shit. I was overcome with benevolence--it was literally spurting through the phone. (Probably in a similar fashion to how he spurted all over his chest when she jerked him to a happy place). So, not only did I get a keeper, but I got a mental image burned into my brain to boot. His new name, by the way, is Tugboy. Just fyi. I mean, the way he put the masseuse's needs and feelings above his own--LAUDABLE!!! I can't imagine she wasn't LOVING jerking this 32 year old piece o' meat off. Talk about a man candy bonus! I know what you're thinking, when's the wedding? Gems like this don't come 'round every day. (Don't worry, if he tries to get away, I'll lube up and grab his junk--I mean, he won't want to hurt my feelings and say no....)

And what man, in his right mind, confesses this to a woman he has yet to meet but hopes to date? Really? What was the thought process behind that one? Hmm, she will never know I went to this place, and I'm single (please note I'm totally not even going into the illegality of this, which he asked about, and was surprised to know that "but I didn't know she was gonna do it" wasn't a viable legal defense had he been caught and arrested). Shocker. But really, who tells some girl they wanna date that??? WHO??? This guy.


The REAL winners of the evening---get comfy!!

The two real winners in today's story are John-who-works-for-really-important-people and DOD-why-won't-you-marry-me-guy. These two, you just can't make this shit up.

First: John-who-works-for-really-important-people

You see, I know John works for really important people because he told me so in his profile and his email no less than 4 times. Here's the email: (my commentary is in bold)

"my name is John and I love yr profile. (I see those two extra pesky letters in "your" was too much to ask for) We seem to have quite a few things in common especially Sightseeing, and Volunteering. (in Caps no less. and I'm totally down to build a relationship on just sightseeing and volunteering. totally) As a job I work as a Bodyguard (ooo you know you're extra important when your Profession is Capitalized, like in Ghost? You're SO my Patrick Swayze!) for very important people (#1) and im also a Retired Detective having worked in the Police Dept(No one, not even my dog, believes this shit. Retired Detective for what? Missing toilet paper? Yeah, if you were a cop, I flew to the store today, with my special magic wings). .My Bodyguard job is a serious job which i meet alot of interesting and important people (#2 you don't say). I know a spectacular Thai restaurant. Maybe we can try it some time. Are u into Thai food ?How did you know Thai was my favorite food? (that's you thinking) lol.(Ok, put the cup o' crazy down. WTF are you talking about? I didn't know Thai was your favorite food, as evidenced by the fact that we've never met nor talked, ever. Never ever. Ever. and what's "that's you thinking"--What? Have you invented a fake relationship we already have? I hope I'm a good imaginary gf) Of course well go for coffee first. (of course, I like my coffee with milk, one sugar, and a dallop of crazy) Oh by the way this is not a recording. (was that something I had to worry about? And if it was, by chance a recording, would I be able to READ it???) LOL.i cant believe yr single . (you and me both buddy) by the way thats a compliment (no, you don't say) If you're not in the mood for Thai food we could do italian.(Wow, it is just like an arranged marriage, if I don't want Thai we can have Italian. Thanks for making all the really important decisions for me. Now, what shirt should I wear?) I really loved you're profile which sent to me saying were a match (remind me to email match.com and question their "matching" protocols).

Now, if that email wasn't enough for me, I just HAD to check out his profile. (His photos by the way, are from the 1970s, no joke, and he looks like a serial killer even back then. In fact, some of the photos are of other people entirely and he isn't even IN them. I can understand a pic of your cat, but 5 pics of your sister's bridal party (which you aren't in)? Hmm, not so much.

Here's the gems from the profile:

swpm (what's the "p" for? Pedophile? Pinnocio? Penis-holder?) 6 ft., attractive(um, only if you like the I might EAT your face look), 190 lbs, slim, clean cut (again, we have to work on our adjectives), and I have all my hair(well Amen for that sister). My hair is brown and my eyes are light blue. I am fully Irish.! I come from a very large IRISH family (in case you missed it, he is IRISH!!!), and we are very tighly knit. I've never been married and do not have children.(not really surprised on that one) I enjoy volunteering at the local animal shelter in an effort to place homeless animals into good homes. (dear Lord, please tell me he is supervised) I've aways had a powerful connection with animals(Do they talk to you and tell you what to do?), and I frequently baby sit my brothers Explosive Detection Labrador.(does this mean the dog seeks out explosions/explosives or just blows ass a lot?) I love the ocean and all of the attractions and restaurants in NYC. I have travelled to Ireland on three seperate occasions. (as opposed to 3 occasions all at once?) I have a B.A. in Criminal Justice with a minor in Liberal Arts. (noooo one beeeelieeeevvess youuuu) A lot of people want to know what is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. (really? they do? you get that alot? Who are these people? Are we talking real people, or just those nice ones in your head?) Well here it is. (I'm waiting with baited breath, go on!) I went to the wrong open casket viewing last year. Immediately, "I knew I was in trouble," (but only in quotes, not reallllly in trouble) The person in the casket was a female and the wake that I was going to was supposed to be a male. (You know, you really must have been a detective--and supposed to be male...too easy) "HELLO". (your quotes confuse me. Does this mean hello like "whoa" or hello like he said that to the casket lady? Meh) Anyway, while in line, unfamiliar friends (why would they be familiar?? you're in the wrong line jackass) of the deceased were approaching me, asking me what did I like about Mrs. Smith. (well, you got in the wrong line dumbass--and "Mrs. Smith? Sounds believable...) I said she was the most beautiful person I had ever met. (that's nice of you, maybe you aren't a mass murderer) Can anyone beat that story?(Yes, yes, everyone, and I mean anyone and everyone CAN beat this story. My dog has better stories, and he can only bark them) This really happened.(you should write a book, talk about a page turner!) As far as my picture is concerned, it was snapped when I exited the funeral. LOL!(CREEPIER THAN I CAN EXPLAIN--and who is taking pics as you leave a funeral? and if you were at the wrong funeral, who exactly took this pic and how did you get it? hmmm) I could venture to say I have that impression from my picture. (no idea--I can't process this statement, I'm too busy being creeped out) I never have been photogenic and I dont like the way I look in pictures. (you got me there hot stuff, probbbbably b/c you look like a serial killer) Maybe, I'm doing myself a disservice by not smiling but so be it. (yeah, it makes me think you are a SERIAL KILLER "HELLO"--hahaaaa) I have many things to be positive about, including possessing all of my hair, teeth, and light blue eyes. (he has all his teeth and hair and both eyeballs. KEEPER!!!!) LOL.. Oh, I promise not to wear the suit in my picture, if we meet for a drink or coffee. (haahaaaa, so. not. happening.) I actually never wear a suit, unless I have to. (like when you go to the wrong funeral?) I prefer to meet for a cup of coffee or tea, because I am old fashioned. (what if I want a modern coffee? no go?) I think it is more appropriate and relaxes the atmosphere. (why, is that b/c you're slipping something in my drink?) So if there is no Cafe or Starbucks in your neighborhood, we can always go for a drink!. (is that old fashioned too?) You know in life you can't make someone like you (they broke the mold with you sunshine), and you can't predict chemistry. (unless you tie them up and hide them in your basement? Is this where you're going with this?) I try to have an open mind. Im looking for the geniune and natural woman,not the prettiest or skinniest like most other guys..(Did you just call me fat and ugly? Man, I'm totally putting out for this dude) I put some pictures beside myself. (yeah, I noticed, you weren't in any of the dresses) There's one with my mom ,and her two brothers. Also there's one with my family. Im all the way to the left. That was the mid 90's. (how about some 2011's?) There's also a picture of my sister's at my sister Sheila's wedding. (at this point I can pick Sheila out of a crowd from all the pics) I recently started going to the pistol range. (Oh God, he's got a gun) It's a really cool hobby. (no, not for you) And believe it or not it makes a great date night.(oh so this is how I'm going to die, awesome) Of course not the first one.lol.(he only kills on the second date, what a gentleman) The worst thing is when i lose to a woman.(oh, so you have some misogynist tendencies AND a gun, great) Hope there"s no Annie Oakleys out there. (he he, cue nervous laughter) That's my cat Frisky in the picture. (why does she look dead?) I brought her home from homeless shelter.(IS ANYONE SUPERVISING THIS MAN???)

Needless to say, I can't wait for our first date. I better bring my phone--truth or dare with this guy should be ammmmaaaazzzzinnngg. (see, future crime victim).

#2 DOD-why-won't-you-marry-me-guy

This guy's pic is so creepy, I don't even know where to start. He is in military fatigues, which only worries me even more. He looks like the Son of Sam, and he has access to guns. He is also way older than me, and I'm pretty sure, loose on a military base somewhere. Wow. Note to self, put up fake face photo of yourself ASAP. Here's his email (again my commentary is in bold)

"good afternoon, bon apri midi (he can't spell and I don't speak french, except for food items, dirty words, and "will you go to bed with me, so we're off to a good start)

I am happy that you have reviewed my profile. (I have done no such thing) I am an engineer with DoD and I work in APG with JPEO CBD. (Oh, because I know what all those letters stand for, cool--and who let you work for DOD? Geez) I like your profile and I see that we are a good match so far.(how you figure that?) I am welling to meet your friends and family for better assessment. (he's "weeeeelling" to meet mom and dad already? SCORE!) You can trust me and you will like my personalty. (Gosh, I just love it when men tell me what I am going to love. No. I wont love it you pompous jackass. I won't love it at all. and trust you? lol, ok, crazy. this is how people end up in trunks, dumpsters, and buried in the desert--by trusting anyone who suggests they can and should) It is up to you to where you wish to take this and how far. (Is it too late to go backwards? How's never? Does never work for you? How about half past fuck no? That good for you?) I am ready and honored to be privileged to the have the opportunity to meet you and to know in the near future.(there is a better chance I will wake up tomorrow and have grown a big spanking hot hairy penis) One more thing, I could be deployed as a civilian DoD to Afghanistan but I always return back to my old duty station and back to MD. (Since I live in neither Afghanistan nor in MD, shouldn't be a problem) It is part of my career to take assignments overseas as an engineer working for our Dept of Defense. (I'm seriously writing Obama a letter about our national security if this fool can be DOD and the other fool can be a Police Detective for Very Important People, who is screening these people? TSA Agents??) It is always easy just to say no and life moves on. (you have no idea how easy, yeah yeah, I'm a bitch, hmm that was mean, now I feel bad) I am devoted, sincere and respectfull. (well that is good at least!) Feel free to Call me (xxx) xxx-xxxx my mobile. (I x-ed out his number, b/c I know the urge to prank text him is too great for anyone to resist) Nice to meet you/ Bon chance. Good night... V/R... (his name). (what's V/R?)

So, a little off, but hey the email wasn't that bad. So I checked out the profile, and that is where the crazy took off and running.

Profile--As a Person with deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a Lady, such as that arising from future kinship, recognition of attractive ways. (wowzas, slowly backing away....) Ideal Match is attractive, smart, sensitive, accomplished, brave, and like challenges. (Is it me, or is this halfway 3rd person and halfway 1st person description kind of creepy like in a I have multiple personalities that are all trying to date you at once- kind of creepy. Brave? why? b/c you're gonna chase me around for sport? Why do I need to be brave?) I am looking for a true good old fashioned lady to accept me as I am, and to be my future wife if we only match. (what's with the old fashioned stuff? Oh, a lady? whoops, count me out ;) ) Time is sensitive and time cannot be reversed and/or controlled. (It's like listening to a prophet) I would like to find a true lady with the courage and high intellect to challenge me,(shouldn't be too hard, I know a cheeky blow up doll you might like) yet to love me truly. I understand that many women worldwide are afraid to be direct(clearly, that is my biggest problem) and many women are afraid of direct men. (no, just of men who want to lock me in their basement and speak in the 3rd person in creepy riddles to me) I understand that many women would like to commit for marriage but when it comes to real commitment and marriage then they change their mind at the end. (I'm gonna say I don't know too many women who run off. Maybe he does though....) I understand that women function on emotions (hey now), and women psychology is not as simple as men.  Please, I know that there are fake people out there on this site, so try not to play games because I can easily find out if your are real or a scammer. (uh oh, here come's the DOD, bad girls bad girls, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when THIS guy comes for you? Run, obviously, in a zig zag pattern so it's harder for him to shoot you) Be careful money scammers because I know your game and I could find your location. (Ahhhhh!!!!, hmm maybe he can locate that dude who asked me for money lol)
Hence forth, I do not like to waste my time also on women who join this site and they are not sure what they want later on. (he will bitchslap your ass, watch out)

OK, so that wasn't as bad. But after a day of lots of these emails (including one from a guy who I'm pretty sure is the best chance at finding extra-terrestrial life on earth), a bunch looking for gratuitous sex, and people who are just mean in general (listen, I'm NICE on my profile, so why would you email me on a dating website just to criticize my description of who I am and what I'm looking for?? WHY????) ---so after all that, yeah, my patience is gone, and I can't help but...yeah. See above.

As you can tell. Today was a SUCCESS. If you don't see another post from me. you know what happened. Please call some Very Important People, or the DOD (in the APG with JPEO CBD) and let them know that I can most likely be found locked in a basement with a cat named Frisky (who may or may not be dead) on my lap. Oh, and Sheila will be upstairs making lunch. She's be the one in the bridesmaid dress. You'll know what she looks like from every one of shitcrazy #1's pics on match.

And, somehow, suddenly, tugboy isn't looking half bad. I mean, shit, I got bail money in the bank. and lube. ;)