"I Went on a Date with a Narcissist, & All I Got Was This Lousy CD"

Now, as you might have imagined, I knew the asskiss goodbye from assman/explode-a-buttinksi was coming, so it wasn't the only thing I had cooking lol. On to the fun....

Let's Play Strip Jenga Aroooouuuuunnnndddd His Issues.

Awesomeness. Um, no.

Strip Jenga boy tried to make it happen tonight, but when I suggested he come meet near me (versus me going to his place, which I wasn't comfortable with), he told me he has "anxiety over going new places," even though he is 37, and I'm a woman and not like, say a mass murdering huge 8 foot strapping lumberjack, but ok. Whatever. Maybe he hacked my amazon account and found out I ordered (in a fit of hilarity) that "The Ex" knife set. (trust me, google it haahaa).

Yet, he wants me to come to his house. Yeah, as much as I'd love to be on the news tonight, nah, I think I'm gonna decline. Thanks anyway for the rape/murder/stabbing offer though.
Yah. No.

Next time we are going to meet at a bar and call it "uncomfortable for everyone." Spectacular.

During the convo, (during which he was calling me as he waited to get his (little bit of) hair cut. I was also wowed that he told me he thinks he has 3 years of having his hair left. Which, by the way he said it, sounded like that meant he had better meet someone fast before the folicule-apocalypse arrives. Better make the most of those buddy. Ugh. The flat out irony here is I actually love the shaved/bald look on men. And listen, if it is going, and you have like a ring and a bullseye of hair around your head, let it go. PLEASE. Let it go. I mean, I've seen so many guys that I looked at and thought, wow you'd be hot if you shaved those remnants of the hair you used to have, and embraced it. Because, it makes you look older. And ugly. There, I said it. Get some Coochie shave cream (I hear it works wonders on the head haahaa), and shave that puppy down. ;)



Rubatugtug One Narcissist In The Tub (minus the happy ending)

So, I still had that date planned from forever ago with our Rubatugtug-happy-endings-by-accident boy and I knew assman was going to bail. So, I get dressed, and even though I had a rough day, I rush out to NJ to meet him. Now, since I did lose a bet, and am required (as my punishment) to do 2 shots at the outset of the date of his choosing, I figured he would pick me up. I'm in NJ, he's in NJ, we're going to drink/eat in NJ--actually the place is more near me than near him. And no way I'm drinking after I have 2 shots of anything, sooooooo logically, he'll pick me up right. Wrong. I thought that was the plan. And as usual, in my blog-o-fun, I'm wrong. Again.

I'm not even TO the date and he's pissed me off. He wants to meet me at the restaurant, which is fine, but it is going to make me even later (if he picked me up it would be faster and we could have that car time to chat), and he thinks I'm going to drink and drive??? No sirrreeeeee. So, I try to put it out of my head--I don't want to be the bitch and ruin the date b/c I'm annoyed about something stupid.


The Date:

I get there. He's way late. Which is funny, b/c I was late b/c of traffic, and he had like an extra hour to get ready/get there. In fact, he told me he didn't shave b/c he was originally rushing, but then when I was late he had time to take a nap and play video games. That's right. A nap. and video games. Still no shaving though. Oook.

Now, I can understand being in a rush and late and not shaving. But if you have enough time then later to nap and play video games while you wait for my late ass, (and if you happen to look like a hobo when you haven't shaved) and PS I took the time to shave and shave and shave some more, not to mention put on perfume, make up, dry my hair, and oh yeah, put on some actual clothes (instead of the jeans, sneakers, and long sleeve flannel, that's right kids, flannel in July--maybe he has a Christmas in July fetish? that he wore), you could take that extra hour or so and SHAVE. A little. Even just trim it down. Landscape that bitch. Something. Anything. Sigh.

When he pulls up he says he was worried because he noticed the Amber Alert on the highway was for a red saturn...and he drives...wait for it...a red saturn. I'm sure the fact that he drives like a dead person also probably would draw a cop's eye. He goes, "but don't worry, it isn't me." Oh, good, so you don't have a kid stashed in your trunk? Awesome. Bodes well for the date. Undoubtedly.

Talk about a harbinger.


Truth:

Did I mention he sounds like a girl? Drives like one too. Ooooooo low blow, kidding, kidding.

But seriously, he drives like he is comatose.

For real. Narcoleptics drive faster. While asleep.


The Prep (or lack thereof):

He did go on a long trip (remember he was away when we met), and said he didn't realize he was out of nice stuff to wear. Ok, that's understandable, but did you take EVERYTHING you own besides a flannel shirt with you? He was also staying at an apartment while away. I guess only NJ has washers and dryers? Interesting. Irony, I went out and got a few shirts and skirts for these dates, and agonized over my shoes and lip gloss shade, because I wanted to look nice, make a good impression, and be attractive looking. Silly me, grooming's for idiots (or apparently, keeping with the theme, in my case, assholes--just not the ones I apparently "date.")

And PS was his hair SUPPOSED to look like that? I was thinking it went with the no-shaving naptime thing. Idk. Maybe the flattened to head look is in and I missed it? Maybe he napped while standing on his head? Maybe it was combing forward and plastered to hide the receding hair line? All I know, is, wow. (please see above about shaving the receding hair, and how sexy it can be. please). Maybe it got matted down as he drove and repeatedly wiped the sweat off his brow/head during that amber alert momentary panic. Yep, sounds about right.


Chivalry? Oh, no, don't get up:

Whatever. Dinner was fun, he insisted on paying even though I offered like 3 times to split it (I know, right, I almost fell off my chair!!!!!) Granted he did eat all of his meal and most of mine. He didn't open any car doors for me, and by the time I got mine open he had his door open, so I couldn't even be the nice reach over chick. He did open the restaurant door which was nice. (as opposed to letting it like fall on my arm instead like at the bar. Ahh Chivalry).


After dinner, he follows me home to where I was staying in NJ (after a long analysis where I was like UMmm If I'm drinking I'm not driving, so either you drive and we put my car home, or you entertain me until I'm sober which could be a while). Obviously, being the catch that I am, he didn't select the "entertain me until I'm sober" option and he instead followed me home to drop off my car.


Grandpa? Is that you?:

Let me start by saying that I tend to sometimes drive like an asshole. Not always, but sometimes. He said he takes driving very seriously, and I can respect that. He told me he drives like a "sissy," and by all accounts, well played sir, well played.

It was like having a blind person follow me.

I turned on a long yellow, he got stuck at the light. Listen, there was enough time in that yellow that after turning through it, I could have stopped, backed the fuck up, and gone through it again. Nope, he's stuck. Anyway, ten years later I've aged and I'm about to nod off driving so damm slow, we get to my house. (NOW, I'm not asking him to speed, that wouldn't be cool. But if the speed limit is 45, I'm gonna do, you know, 45 mph. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE DOING 25?????!!!!!!???!!!!). Omg. Seriously, I'm nodding off just remembering this part of the story. And you know it's bad when you put yourself to sleep. At least meet me halfway at 35mph. Ridiculous.

I had to physically restrain myself from screaming DRIVE FASTERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! (either that or pushing him out of the way, and hitting the gas myself. But, I refrained. Barely).


In case you missed it, he's awesome:

So, we leave. Now to preface, he plays music and creates music, that's his job/life. I get that. But am I the only one that thinks it is a WEE BIT NARCISSISTIC that the only CDs he had in his car were of him playing, or his band, or his music or his new release? The entire date all I heard was about how awesome he was, and how this celebrity thinks so. How this guy wants his musical help, and how he created this song in 5 minutes b/c he is awesome.

Call me crazy, but I'd rather find out myself how awesome you are, rather than have it beat in to me. Maybe I'm too picky. That must be it.

Is it me? Am I being the asshole here, or is this guy in love with himself? (I know, I know, you're dying to be like, but you are usually the asshole here! Yeah, yeah, but this time, no shit, I think it's him)

He sure smiled extra hard when I told him I liked the song. Whooohooo allllll smiles then. Great. In his slight defense, the music and piano skills he has are beautiful. But it was a little you know, much. Maybe I'm wrong. And maybe it was a first date, and he wanted to show off (but wouldn't you have lots of other CDs from other artists in the car too even if you selected to share only yours with me tonight?)

He also doesn't listen to the radio, but he did scan the hell out of it. I thought when he said he "didn't listen to the radio" he meant he only listened to CDs. I didn't realize that meant he liked to continually hit the scan/seek button and bitch about every song that came on and a millisecond later, change it again, and again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Every song was "omg too old," "ugh way overplayed," or "annoyingly bad," etc.--maybe the real issue was that it wasn't HIS song??? hmmmm...think I may have found the problem. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Sigh.


Payback's a bitch:

So we hit the bar for my un-victory shots. There are a few cute guys there, two of which are with women, but I see them checking out my cleavage. One gives me a naughty smile, and one by the bathroom was making eyes, but alas, I am on a date, and I'm not gonna do something like that. We played a game on his phone, (hey buddy, did it make you feel big and successful to beat me at a game I don't know how to play after liquoring me up?) and I got my 2 shots of hell.

The bartender, thinking he was being helpful, suggested a Bourbon. The "roughest" one he had. Thanks. Thanks a fucking lot buddy.


Seeing me take them the bartender felt so bad that he took one himself with me (during my second shot). He was cute, and it was nice of him. But I'm still harboring some hate for the burning-OMG-burning-OMG-nauseating-OMG-i'm-gonna-puke-OMG-burning-OMG-I'm-ok-feeling that I went through twice. Think I'm kidding? Go take two of those. I'm so f-ing not. And I like whiskey shooters. This, my friend, was a new kind of liquid hell.

My date on the other hand decided to order as he put it "the girliest nicest shot they have just to rub it in"--a bubblegum flavored shot. Nice. Reallllllll, nice. Ass. Although, it does explain a lot about the rest of the date....


Killmenow:

Newsflash: I don't give a shit that you know celebrities. I don't. I also don't care that you keep the things they've said about you, and the quotes about how awesome you are on your (non-private--funny his pics and his info about how great he was is visible but nothing else, pattern, ahh yes) facebook profile. I hate when he name drops, sure he has met a few celebrities, but I gotta tell you, I barely know who they are by name, and I couldn't care less.

Literally. Couldn't. Care. Less.

Congrats. You want a cookie? I guess it is important to him, so I get it, but I hope he isn't like that and is just doing it to impress me (in which case, please stop). However, judging by the rest of the evening-o-fun, I'm going to say that is ENTIRELY who he is. gag.

So Meatloaf and Tom Petty's gf (which, uh, ok?) thinks you're amazing. Are they paying your bills? Are they keeping your bed warm at night? Are you dating them? No? Then who gives a flyingfuck??!!

Not me, sweet cheeks, not me.


I'm the whore? Wait, which of us broke the law and got a hand job at a massage parlor? Oh, that's right, it was you:

Anyway, we had some semi-fun, there was flirtation, and I thought we had a good enough time. And, well, sure the date was fun mixed with a coma and some narcissism, but I was willing to overlook it and give him another date. Especially since our emails and stuff were so fun previously. I tend to give people chances and overlook things (apparently) that I should not.

I texted him when I got home (soooo not what I should have done, but I was kinda a little tipsy from the liquor which was his fault! LOL), and he texted back. Fast forward to the next day, and silence. Is he doing the 3 day rule? Does he hate me too? lol. I gchatted him with a compliment to his music (since that is apparently what he responds too) but alas, silence. Foiled by the Great Narcissistic Wall of Happy Endings!!!!! He did email me then and said he "respects me greatly" which I'm prettttty sure translates to "I don't want to bang you." Fair enough. Considering I'd have to ball gag and duct tape his mouth shut to even consider doing anything with him. In fact, the only thing I could even barely contemplate doing with him would be (me) receiving oral sex (from him)--that way he would have to shut the hell up. ;)

After that he keeps emailing, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I don't think he is interested (which I find hilarious--this guy--isn't interested--in me--haahaaaa, man, that is some shit), and I'm (obviously) ok with that, but why keep emailing me? Maybe we can be "friends" hahaaaa. killme.

Oh, perfect ending lol. So, at the end of the date, he drives around so I can hear the last of his CD till the end. Then he drops me off, and gives me my very own copy of his CD. Now, that was a nice thing to do, but also kind of screams narcissist no? I mean, he had a box of them in the car--like is this what you do on dates? Or do you just drive around throwing them out the window? (well, he sure drives slow enough to do it....)

Then he walks me to the garage (like a foot from the car), and gives me a hug and a peck on the cheek. Like I give my aunt. I joke "that's it?" and he looks at me like I'm the newest purveyor of WHORES R' US (and ps wouldn't that be an awesome store? lol). I was a bit taken back. I meant another hug (b/c he surprised me, and I didn't give him a return cheek peck). He was like "well, it's only a first date!"--as if I meant "why-aren't-you-bending-me-over-this-hood-right-now-and-banging-me-with-your-(conceited)-prick??"

Um, no.

But honestly, we've been talking for like over a month, a lot, everyday, and we had talked about our first kiss and how we were looking forward to it. Soooo, I didn't think it was that crazy to get a lip peck or a kiss kiss. Whatever. His loss yo, I'm an amazing kisser. So ha.


No ink?:

All in all, I think I was most surprised that he didn't offer to autograph his CD for me. Maybe only 3/4 narcissist? yay!



Wait, you closed me? Nice, real nice.

So, to add insult to injury, during the date with Senor-I-Heart-Myself-Mucho, my email blinked and I saw I had a message from this guy on eharmony who contacted me recently. He works in phone communications, or something vague like that, and he wasn't very attractive, (kinda had a dropped on his face look going for him), but whatever, I'll give the guy a chance. I mean, sometimes attraction isn't always immediate, and I can definitely find other things super attractive too.

So I notice he sent me a message, so of course, I wasn't going to check it and be rude during the date. (especially not with this Lord of the Dance motherfucker driving me into a coma). After I get home and undressed, I take a look. And see that he received the answers I wrote to my last questions (which I thought were good, cute, fun, decent, dateable responses), but I guess not because, his message stated:

"You seem like a strong and wonderful woman, but I fear not the one for me." and then he closed the match.

Now, what the FUCK does that even mean???? Does it mean he likes strong and wonderful women (who doesn't???) but he wants a different strong and wonderful woman, or instead that he doesn't want those two qualities in a woman? Or he just doesn't like me for some stupid reason that makes no sense because he was hoping I would say blue and I said green to his personally made up questions. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was supposed to fill them in with "what you want to hear"---I thought we were supposed to be honest. My bad.

I 'm like, wait, I'm giving you a chance, and you close me for what?? Hellllllllooooooooo. I'm a fucking catch!! A CATCH!!! Ok, well, mostly. lol. I mean, except for this blog thing. and my assholeness (apparently as evidenced by this blog), and sarcasm, and...dammit...shit. lol.

Yeah, well I closed him right back. So there! Take that! (sniff).

I think what burned my bottom the most though, was that I couldn't even write back and say WTF buddy, WTF. Damm closed matches. That is soooo not fair. Where's the equality eharmony??? where!!!?? lol.


Love Hurts:

It appears, everything is a game. I hate games. Why can't people say what they mean and mean what they say. And why does every guy have a virgin/whore complex?

Seriously. Grow the fuck up guys.

Like, say by tomorrow? That would really work for me thanks.

Every single guy on there says he is looking for "honesty" from his potential match. Note to self, just type "Honesty" in every response.

Honesty, eh? About that, yeah, let's get honest.

Now if we were REALLY being honest, as they say they want-- you would think that a few men, would mention sex, or a healthy sex life, or an intimate healthy relationship. Nope, only ONE guy out of HUNDREDS I've seen mentioned it.

Who's bullshitting now?

Seriously, if you say sex isn't important, then don't get mad when you get women who don't want an active sex life as a part of your healthy relationship. I'm not saying you should be vulgar or talk about sex a lot on your profile, but a healthy sex life with your husband/wife/partner is an important part of a healthy successful marriage.

It. just. is.

Otherwise you become roommates, penpals, weird supervised prison visits (sans the conjugal part). Yes, you're supposed to be friends and super close, but you're also supposed to have a healthy intimate loving relationship that keeps you close, keeps the marriage alive. Trust me, I did the penpal thing. It blew. And not in the good way.

And to ignore that, and act like I'm the whore for saying I want a healthy intimate life with my partner---is ridiculously hypocritical and I'm calling ALLLLLL your asses out for it. That's right. Right now. Quit your bellyaching. You asked for it. You got it. So when you find yourself 3 years into the marriage, not getting any, and you're trolling adult friend finder (at 1am while furtively looking over your shoulder to make sure the wife isn't awake and doesn't see what you're doing) for some no-strings-b/c-my-wife-doesn't-like-to-bang/blow-me-fun, remember this moment.

And if you forget, don't worry, I'll be there to say I told you so.

Bastards.

Rub a Tugtug, 2 Shitcrazies in the Tub.

Miss me? Well, you would be the only one who did. Because no one on a dating site does! haahaaaaaa. Although I did get a guy today on match who thinks we should get together and play strip Jenga. Be still my heart. He gave me his number, (speed dialing that bitch asap), and I'm totally calling him tomorrow. He is also wearing a blue wig in his profile pic. Can we say WINNNNNINNGGGG???!!!


The "Nice Guy" from eharmony: (soon to be known as Tugboy)

So no shit there I am talking to my mom when my caller ID goes off. To my shock, it is him. The nice guy from eharmony that I kinda like but am worried he is too conceited because he gets way more ass than he should for his looks. You know, that guy. I'm even more surprised because in spite of our all day everyday emailing and texting, I've only had one phone conversation with him. Well, two if you count the fact that he hung up on me right after he called the first time. "OH NOOO!!! Can I call you right back?" --best first convo ever. So, fine, we'll call this the "3rd" phone call.

So we're chatting, the chemistry is good, he has a cute voice and I'm thinking, wow I kinda like this guy. (Which undoubtedly means there is something REALLY wrong with him, like he was born with a tail or has bodies in his fridge, or he will hate me in person). Either way, it will end in tears. So, whatever, I'm gonna enjoy the damm moment. I mean, after all the shit email and crazies I get, I deserve to feel nice for a few minutes. Cue basking in the glow.

Remember how I said he was really nice? Remember how I'm wrong a lot? Yeah. About that.

So, you know how when you're going along thinking wow, this is great? Well, that is the universe's cue to come and fuck you in the ass. And not in the good way. More in the no lube, wayyy too big but he's hell bent on sticking it in anyway, and now you're wishing you didn't have that big enchilada plate dinner earlier? yeah, like that.

You know the universe was thinking, awwww how sweet she's basking in the glow, time to F it up. He gets quiet for a second (I'm thinking what is he going to say he loves me? (AHH RUN!) Do I have another Stage 5 clinger?? Or maybe ask me for cash? Or tell me he is a wanted felon in 6 states? --because you know, that would totally be my luck). He says he has a confession to make. Oh good. A "3rd" call confession. (and why is your ass confessing to a girl you never met?? This can only go amazingly badly). And it does.

He says his back was hurting him the other day, so being in CA, he went to a massage parlor. YEP. You know EXACTLY where this story is going, and I did too. I tried to pray quickly and do that trick my mom did as a kid when she "turned her ears off," but alas, it was to no avail. I got to hear the details. He said he was soooooo relaxed (which, I mean, I can understand, I could totally misplace my boxers when I'm ssssoooo relaxed) and the nice Asian lady told him to turn over. Now, when you got there and she had you strip naked--this SHOULD have been your first clue. Even if she left the boxers on, the "you turn over now" REALLY should have tipped you off. What kind of massage did you THINK was coming????? A shiatsu nipple massage? Hot stone belly button treatment??? No shit.

Anyway, long story short, he said the "next thing he knew" she was all lubed up, grabbed his penis, and was rubbing one out for him (which I'm not banking on what he's packing in his breadbasket being anything that big, so you know, she probably had to search around in his boxers for a while to find it ---like I do in my big purse when I can't find my keys). Either way, he had ample time to realize this was a "Happy Ending" kind of massage, and stop it.

Now, if I wasn't TOTALLY in love before, his next statement sealed the deal. He said, "Well, I didn't want to offend her, or hurt her feelings and tell her to stop." So, he just let her jerk him off. WHAT a PHILANTHROPIST. Talk about a giver. Shit. I was overcome with benevolence--it was literally spurting through the phone. (Probably in a similar fashion to how he spurted all over his chest when she jerked him to a happy place). So, not only did I get a keeper, but I got a mental image burned into my brain to boot. His new name, by the way, is Tugboy. Just fyi. I mean, the way he put the masseuse's needs and feelings above his own--LAUDABLE!!! I can't imagine she wasn't LOVING jerking this 32 year old piece o' meat off. Talk about a man candy bonus! I know what you're thinking, when's the wedding? Gems like this don't come 'round every day. (Don't worry, if he tries to get away, I'll lube up and grab his junk--I mean, he won't want to hurt my feelings and say no....)

And what man, in his right mind, confesses this to a woman he has yet to meet but hopes to date? Really? What was the thought process behind that one? Hmm, she will never know I went to this place, and I'm single (please note I'm totally not even going into the illegality of this, which he asked about, and was surprised to know that "but I didn't know she was gonna do it" wasn't a viable legal defense had he been caught and arrested). Shocker. But really, who tells some girl they wanna date that??? WHO??? This guy.


The REAL winners of the evening---get comfy!!

The two real winners in today's story are John-who-works-for-really-important-people and DOD-why-won't-you-marry-me-guy. These two, you just can't make this shit up.

First: John-who-works-for-really-important-people

You see, I know John works for really important people because he told me so in his profile and his email no less than 4 times. Here's the email: (my commentary is in bold)

"my name is John and I love yr profile. (I see those two extra pesky letters in "your" was too much to ask for) We seem to have quite a few things in common especially Sightseeing, and Volunteering. (in Caps no less. and I'm totally down to build a relationship on just sightseeing and volunteering. totally) As a job I work as a Bodyguard (ooo you know you're extra important when your Profession is Capitalized, like in Ghost? You're SO my Patrick Swayze!) for very important people (#1) and im also a Retired Detective having worked in the Police Dept(No one, not even my dog, believes this shit. Retired Detective for what? Missing toilet paper? Yeah, if you were a cop, I flew to the store today, with my special magic wings). .My Bodyguard job is a serious job which i meet alot of interesting and important people (#2 you don't say). I know a spectacular Thai restaurant. Maybe we can try it some time. Are u into Thai food ?How did you know Thai was my favorite food? (that's you thinking) lol.(Ok, put the cup o' crazy down. WTF are you talking about? I didn't know Thai was your favorite food, as evidenced by the fact that we've never met nor talked, ever. Never ever. Ever. and what's "that's you thinking"--What? Have you invented a fake relationship we already have? I hope I'm a good imaginary gf) Of course well go for coffee first. (of course, I like my coffee with milk, one sugar, and a dallop of crazy) Oh by the way this is not a recording. (was that something I had to worry about? And if it was, by chance a recording, would I be able to READ it???) LOL.i cant believe yr single . (you and me both buddy) by the way thats a compliment (no, you don't say) If you're not in the mood for Thai food we could do italian.(Wow, it is just like an arranged marriage, if I don't want Thai we can have Italian. Thanks for making all the really important decisions for me. Now, what shirt should I wear?) I really loved you're profile which sent to me saying were a match (remind me to email match.com and question their "matching" protocols).

Now, if that email wasn't enough for me, I just HAD to check out his profile. (His photos by the way, are from the 1970s, no joke, and he looks like a serial killer even back then. In fact, some of the photos are of other people entirely and he isn't even IN them. I can understand a pic of your cat, but 5 pics of your sister's bridal party (which you aren't in)? Hmm, not so much.

Here's the gems from the profile:

swpm (what's the "p" for? Pedophile? Pinnocio? Penis-holder?) 6 ft., attractive(um, only if you like the I might EAT your face look), 190 lbs, slim, clean cut (again, we have to work on our adjectives), and I have all my hair(well Amen for that sister). My hair is brown and my eyes are light blue. I am fully Irish.! I come from a very large IRISH family (in case you missed it, he is IRISH!!!), and we are very tighly knit. I've never been married and do not have children.(not really surprised on that one) I enjoy volunteering at the local animal shelter in an effort to place homeless animals into good homes. (dear Lord, please tell me he is supervised) I've aways had a powerful connection with animals(Do they talk to you and tell you what to do?), and I frequently baby sit my brothers Explosive Detection Labrador.(does this mean the dog seeks out explosions/explosives or just blows ass a lot?) I love the ocean and all of the attractions and restaurants in NYC. I have travelled to Ireland on three seperate occasions. (as opposed to 3 occasions all at once?) I have a B.A. in Criminal Justice with a minor in Liberal Arts. (noooo one beeeelieeeevvess youuuu) A lot of people want to know what is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. (really? they do? you get that alot? Who are these people? Are we talking real people, or just those nice ones in your head?) Well here it is. (I'm waiting with baited breath, go on!) I went to the wrong open casket viewing last year. Immediately, "I knew I was in trouble," (but only in quotes, not reallllly in trouble) The person in the casket was a female and the wake that I was going to was supposed to be a male. (You know, you really must have been a detective--and supposed to be male...too easy) "HELLO". (your quotes confuse me. Does this mean hello like "whoa" or hello like he said that to the casket lady? Meh) Anyway, while in line, unfamiliar friends (why would they be familiar?? you're in the wrong line jackass) of the deceased were approaching me, asking me what did I like about Mrs. Smith. (well, you got in the wrong line dumbass--and "Mrs. Smith? Sounds believable...) I said she was the most beautiful person I had ever met. (that's nice of you, maybe you aren't a mass murderer) Can anyone beat that story?(Yes, yes, everyone, and I mean anyone and everyone CAN beat this story. My dog has better stories, and he can only bark them) This really happened.(you should write a book, talk about a page turner!) As far as my picture is concerned, it was snapped when I exited the funeral. LOL!(CREEPIER THAN I CAN EXPLAIN--and who is taking pics as you leave a funeral? and if you were at the wrong funeral, who exactly took this pic and how did you get it? hmmm) I could venture to say I have that impression from my picture. (no idea--I can't process this statement, I'm too busy being creeped out) I never have been photogenic and I dont like the way I look in pictures. (you got me there hot stuff, probbbbably b/c you look like a serial killer) Maybe, I'm doing myself a disservice by not smiling but so be it. (yeah, it makes me think you are a SERIAL KILLER "HELLO"--hahaaaa) I have many things to be positive about, including possessing all of my hair, teeth, and light blue eyes. (he has all his teeth and hair and both eyeballs. KEEPER!!!!) LOL.. Oh, I promise not to wear the suit in my picture, if we meet for a drink or coffee. (haahaaaa, so. not. happening.) I actually never wear a suit, unless I have to. (like when you go to the wrong funeral?) I prefer to meet for a cup of coffee or tea, because I am old fashioned. (what if I want a modern coffee? no go?) I think it is more appropriate and relaxes the atmosphere. (why, is that b/c you're slipping something in my drink?) So if there is no Cafe or Starbucks in your neighborhood, we can always go for a drink!. (is that old fashioned too?) You know in life you can't make someone like you (they broke the mold with you sunshine), and you can't predict chemistry. (unless you tie them up and hide them in your basement? Is this where you're going with this?) I try to have an open mind. Im looking for the geniune and natural woman,not the prettiest or skinniest like most other guys..(Did you just call me fat and ugly? Man, I'm totally putting out for this dude) I put some pictures beside myself. (yeah, I noticed, you weren't in any of the dresses) There's one with my mom ,and her two brothers. Also there's one with my family. Im all the way to the left. That was the mid 90's. (how about some 2011's?) There's also a picture of my sister's at my sister Sheila's wedding. (at this point I can pick Sheila out of a crowd from all the pics) I recently started going to the pistol range. (Oh God, he's got a gun) It's a really cool hobby. (no, not for you) And believe it or not it makes a great date night.(oh so this is how I'm going to die, awesome) Of course not the first one.lol.(he only kills on the second date, what a gentleman) The worst thing is when i lose to a woman.(oh, so you have some misogynist tendencies AND a gun, great) Hope there"s no Annie Oakleys out there. (he he, cue nervous laughter) That's my cat Frisky in the picture. (why does she look dead?) I brought her home from homeless shelter.(IS ANYONE SUPERVISING THIS MAN???)

Needless to say, I can't wait for our first date. I better bring my phone--truth or dare with this guy should be ammmmaaaazzzzinnngg. (see, future crime victim).

#2 DOD-why-won't-you-marry-me-guy

This guy's pic is so creepy, I don't even know where to start. He is in military fatigues, which only worries me even more. He looks like the Son of Sam, and he has access to guns. He is also way older than me, and I'm pretty sure, loose on a military base somewhere. Wow. Note to self, put up fake face photo of yourself ASAP. Here's his email (again my commentary is in bold)

"good afternoon, bon apri midi (he can't spell and I don't speak french, except for food items, dirty words, and "will you go to bed with me, so we're off to a good start)

I am happy that you have reviewed my profile. (I have done no such thing) I am an engineer with DoD and I work in APG with JPEO CBD. (Oh, because I know what all those letters stand for, cool--and who let you work for DOD? Geez) I like your profile and I see that we are a good match so far.(how you figure that?) I am welling to meet your friends and family for better assessment. (he's "weeeeelling" to meet mom and dad already? SCORE!) You can trust me and you will like my personalty. (Gosh, I just love it when men tell me what I am going to love. No. I wont love it you pompous jackass. I won't love it at all. and trust you? lol, ok, crazy. this is how people end up in trunks, dumpsters, and buried in the desert--by trusting anyone who suggests they can and should) It is up to you to where you wish to take this and how far. (Is it too late to go backwards? How's never? Does never work for you? How about half past fuck no? That good for you?) I am ready and honored to be privileged to the have the opportunity to meet you and to know in the near future.(there is a better chance I will wake up tomorrow and have grown a big spanking hot hairy penis) One more thing, I could be deployed as a civilian DoD to Afghanistan but I always return back to my old duty station and back to MD. (Since I live in neither Afghanistan nor in MD, shouldn't be a problem) It is part of my career to take assignments overseas as an engineer working for our Dept of Defense. (I'm seriously writing Obama a letter about our national security if this fool can be DOD and the other fool can be a Police Detective for Very Important People, who is screening these people? TSA Agents??) It is always easy just to say no and life moves on. (you have no idea how easy, yeah yeah, I'm a bitch, hmm that was mean, now I feel bad) I am devoted, sincere and respectfull. (well that is good at least!) Feel free to Call me (xxx) xxx-xxxx my mobile. (I x-ed out his number, b/c I know the urge to prank text him is too great for anyone to resist) Nice to meet you/ Bon chance. Good night... V/R... (his name). (what's V/R?)

So, a little off, but hey the email wasn't that bad. So I checked out the profile, and that is where the crazy took off and running.

Profile--As a Person with deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a Lady, such as that arising from future kinship, recognition of attractive ways. (wowzas, slowly backing away....) Ideal Match is attractive, smart, sensitive, accomplished, brave, and like challenges. (Is it me, or is this halfway 3rd person and halfway 1st person description kind of creepy like in a I have multiple personalities that are all trying to date you at once- kind of creepy. Brave? why? b/c you're gonna chase me around for sport? Why do I need to be brave?) I am looking for a true good old fashioned lady to accept me as I am, and to be my future wife if we only match. (what's with the old fashioned stuff? Oh, a lady? whoops, count me out ;) ) Time is sensitive and time cannot be reversed and/or controlled. (It's like listening to a prophet) I would like to find a true lady with the courage and high intellect to challenge me,(shouldn't be too hard, I know a cheeky blow up doll you might like) yet to love me truly. I understand that many women worldwide are afraid to be direct(clearly, that is my biggest problem) and many women are afraid of direct men. (no, just of men who want to lock me in their basement and speak in the 3rd person in creepy riddles to me) I understand that many women would like to commit for marriage but when it comes to real commitment and marriage then they change their mind at the end. (I'm gonna say I don't know too many women who run off. Maybe he does though....) I understand that women function on emotions (hey now), and women psychology is not as simple as men.  Please, I know that there are fake people out there on this site, so try not to play games because I can easily find out if your are real or a scammer. (uh oh, here come's the DOD, bad girls bad girls, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when THIS guy comes for you? Run, obviously, in a zig zag pattern so it's harder for him to shoot you) Be careful money scammers because I know your game and I could find your location. (Ahhhhh!!!!, hmm maybe he can locate that dude who asked me for money lol)
Hence forth, I do not like to waste my time also on women who join this site and they are not sure what they want later on. (he will bitchslap your ass, watch out)

OK, so that wasn't as bad. But after a day of lots of these emails (including one from a guy who I'm pretty sure is the best chance at finding extra-terrestrial life on earth), a bunch looking for gratuitous sex, and people who are just mean in general (listen, I'm NICE on my profile, so why would you email me on a dating website just to criticize my description of who I am and what I'm looking for?? WHY????) ---so after all that, yeah, my patience is gone, and I can't help but...yeah. See above.

As you can tell. Today was a SUCCESS. If you don't see another post from me. you know what happened. Please call some Very Important People, or the DOD (in the APG with JPEO CBD) and let them know that I can most likely be found locked in a basement with a cat named Frisky (who may or may not be dead) on my lap. Oh, and Sheila will be upstairs making lunch. She's be the one in the bridesmaid dress. You'll know what she looks like from every one of shitcrazy #1's pics on match.

And, somehow, suddenly, tugboy isn't looking half bad. I mean, shit, I got bail money in the bank. and lube. ;)