Now Paging Debbie Downer

You Down With ODB?
(Old Dirty Bastard)

So, dirty old man from the other night at the pub texted me this morning, and I decided on a plan of attack.  I would either let it die out with like one text a day and just let it fizzle into oblivion, or I'd go with the whole bullshit line of not being over my ex and "aww shucks, guess I'm just not ready to date."   Not only that, but he knows someone above me at work, and you know, that could be awkward, especially since my money is on him already having told his brother and the gf about our "date."  Sigh. 

I totally am ready to date.  I'm over that shit.  But, I figured no need to hurt his feelings by telling him I  think he is a liar and creepy, and therefore I'm not interested.  So when he texted me and said that he could "sense [my] sadness" and that he hopes I "find peace," I was like oh hell yeah, he opened that door for me to slip in and get on that bandwagon.  So I wrote back that I guess I'm just not over it, and the feelings are still raw.  Totally thinking that this would end this awful encounter and we could move on (separately).  Instead, to my utter disgust, he wrote back, "I'd rather you be a different kind of "raw" ;)"

Oh.  Dear.  God.

I actually yelped in horror when I read it.  Yelped.  While at work.  Out loud.  Ugh.

Gross, man.

So, that didn't work.  I didn't reply, nor do I plan to.  ewww.

***

 Wax On, Wax Off


Speaking of the men from dating websites--namely plenty of fuckers...errrr...I mean fish, and OKCupid.  I just got a message from a man who has a profile picture of himself eating a slice of pizza with a hugely distracting unibrow.  I'm not talking a little unibrow.  This isn't a few hairs.  This is like a fucking landbridge of hair across his brow.  For goodness sake, wax, shave, anything! 

It is called waxing guys.  WAXING.  Your eyebrows should never, and I mean NEVER, touch.  Not even a little.  That much unibrow should be illegal.

***

The Impending Disappointment

Soooooo, what I didn't tell you is that I've been talking to a new guy.  I'm reveling in the banter, the texts, the phone calls filled with anticipation, with flirting, those delicious moments when you feel like there is a spark and you can't wait to see if it turns into a flame.  Filled with hope, deliriously drunk on lust and hope, ahhh, what a feeling.  Unfortunately, I know that it is a feeling of sadness that comes with it, b/c I know that in theory I'm the person of his desire.  On paper, on text, on the phone, I'm a catch.  But in person, when guys meet me and find I'm not a super skinny chick, well there ends that entirely.  So while I'm loving the moment and the feeling, it makes me sad too, b/c I know it isn't reality.  I know that come tuesday, when we are to meet, the reality will hit me hard, and he won't like me.  It has, sadly, happened before.  We were such a match on chat.  Entirely hit it off on the phone, the chemistry, the banter, the experience was amazing.  But the minute we met, I knew.  I knew there was no future.


And I know it is here again.  So, I fast forwarded it.  He already sent me a face pic.  So I sent one back.  Of course, I haven't received a reply text--but that was expected.  I might as well delete his number from my phone, because we all know I won't hear from him again.


It just is.



These moments make me a little sad and melancholy.  I think back to men over the years, that came close.  That ex that wanted me to leave my husband for him, who I did care about, who just got re-married to not-me.  Even though I totally put my heart out there and he ignored it.  I know he isn't the man I thought he was, b/c he didn't reply when the man I knew would have--even if to let me down easy.

Or I think about the guy I'm fucking on the side.  The one who is a delicious secret.  He has a sort of girlfriend, more like a baby mama that he is attached to, and who he can't seem to walk away from.  Mostly he stays because of the child, and even though I disagree, I can respect his choice.  I would consider dating him if the situation was different, but alas it isn't.  The other day at work someone made a comment that hit a nerve about my appearance, and I felt down about it.  I texted him that I felt unattractive, and being concerned I was upset, he called me.  He told me that if his situation was different that he would want to date me.  I told him that it was easy to say things like that when you can't actually run the risk of having to make good on them.  Then he disproved what he said, and totally put himself back into that category of men who just want to fuck me but probably wouldn't date me.


I mean, let's be honest.  There are two categories of men who are into me.  There are the men who want to date me, and the men who just want to fuck me but wouldn't date me.  The dating ones are a lot harder to find good ones, but I've never had trouble finding men who just want to fuck me.  That is easy, I mean, what man turns down easy, no strings, discreet sex?  Yeah, not many--regardless of who the chick is or what she looks like.


I guess even though my new fuck friend was just, and is just, a fuck friend, and I'm totally happy with that, and I know b/c of his situation that things are what they are--but I guess it made me feel good when he said that if the situation was different he would want to date me.  So a minute later, when he said he's my boytoy, well, that dispelled that bullshit immediately.  He's in the "just wants to fuck me" column, and that just makes me sad.  It's nice to feel wanted, for more than just free sex.  Oh well.


And then, it makes me think about that guy.  That one guy that has always been "that guy."  The one, that despite everything, you just always have in your life.  The one you measure people against, the one you compare men to, compare sexual encounters to, you know, that guy.  I saw him recently, and despite our last encounter where I realized he couldn't handle our relationship and it ended badly--and almost ended our 15plus year relationship/friendship, this time it was different.  Like night and day.  He was exactly the man I always knew he was.  He was grown, engaging, deliciously mature and sexy.  And when we got back to his hotel room, it was more than just the comfortable ease that we fall into like a worn and well loved sweater, it was a whole new kind of hot.  The chemistry was dripping off us, the attraction was tangible, and the encounter was deliriously intoxicatingly good.  And even after it was over, he still was the man I knew he could be.  No matter how many years that we've been intimate, or that we haven't seen each other, we fall back into each other so easily, so effortlessly.  This man takes my breath away when we are in bed--literally--he quickens my breath, he makes me want to please him, and even just seeing a (non-sexual) photo of him stirs in me a physical sexual response.  And yet, he is far away.  Once he offered to come live here, and I turned him down.  It is a conversation and a moment I will never, and can never, forget.  I want to find that kind of chemistry, everyday.  I want to experience it daily, to feel the electricity of that kind of encounter when I come home at night.


Where can I find that?  lol.  Apparently not on the dates I go on!!!! 


Maybe I'm just meant to be alone.

***

Ay Papi

So, remember that part where i said that all this online dating eventually might culminate into one thing...actually having to go on a date? Well, I said it thinking that judging by the way these 3 sites were going, I wouldn't have to worry about it for a while.

Fast forward to me having a date on friday with the AC/same shirt Wild Child, and talking the nice guy (also courtesy of eharmony) all the time. Like all day, everyday. Which was fun, until I started to think, you know, it's been a few days of chatting, texting, game playing, and emailing and yet, I have never spoke to him, no idea what his voice sounds like and for all I know I could be trading winks and banter with some 75 year old man or a lady. Hell, who knows. I mean, I know a guy who met a woman (on a sex site, helllloooo adult friend finder, he found a friend alright ahaahaaa--ok back to story so you can laugh too), and he was a little paranoid (um, it's sex site--not being paranoid sounds about as smart as showing up with only 1 condom and slippery fingers), so he asked her to call him so he could verify and hear her voice. She did and so they set a date to meet for lunch. He walks in (undoubtedly sporting condoms and a cheeky smug grin) to the lunch restaurant and low and behold who is waiting for him? The 30ish lady he is expecting? The giggling beauty on the phone? Nope. A 65 year old man. That's right folks, he showed up penis and all. My friend was (ahaahaaa, man I WISH I could have seen his face) shocked. The guy apparently had a high squeaky voice (so he wasn't sure if it was him on the phone with his high girly been-kicked-in-the-balls-one-too-many-times voice, or if he had a female friend pretend for him). Either way, the guy said that he thought if he came all the way there, he would just, you know, ignore the pool cue and balls and "just do it anyway." Now, I don't know about you, but the gender of the person I'm banging, sometimes...often...you know...occcccassionalllly comes into play when having sex. Maybe it is just me, but if I expected to put my boomshackalacka into some lady's whoohaa, and she showed up with another boomshackalacka, um, sounds like a problem to me. The best part, is the dude was surprised when he turned him down--but, quickly asked if he at least wanted to grab some lunch. Right. lol. And I thought my dates were bad...at least they come with the parts I'm expecting. (Oh, man, let's hope) lol.

Anyway, so WildChild and I are going out this week. I'm not sure what to say about it. He seems nice, and so I feel kind of like an ass dishing about it, but at the same time, I'm being honest. It's not like I'm mischaracterizing the situation...just commenting on it. Yeah, I'm so going to hell. Ugh. Anyway, he let me pick the movie, which was sweet. We were going to go out earlier in the week but he said he had a doctors appointment. Of course, being the sweetie that I am, I said that I hoped he was ok and that the appointment goes well. He responded that he was fine, he was just going in to be evaluated for weight loss surgery. Que? Now, I don't know that I would share that kind of info with my friends, forget a woman I just met online, have never met, and am trying to woo. Maybe it's me, but someone needs a filter. I mean, I've seen his pics (are they accurate? we shall seeee), and he is definitely a bit heavy/chubby, but still cute and whatever, I may be lots of things, but at the moment skinny isn't one of them. (Granted, I've lost 13 pounds in a week---and I am so hungry I could eat this blog right now). Anyway, point is, I realize, sadly from personal experience, that it is what is on the inside that really does matter. Your partner can be hot as hell, but if you want to club him to death every time he opens his mouth, or daydream about stabbing yourself in the face with a blunt spoon (for entertainment) b/c he is SO DAMM BORING, well, it isn't going to work out. At least not past the putting the clothing back on and doing the walk of shame part. Def not.

Weight can be gained and lost, but that other shit is permanent.

So, yeah, me, date, weightlosssurgery guy (oh, if only he didn't already have a name). I'll let you know. Hopefully, I can make it through the movie without him strangling me, trying to smother me after one too many biting comments, or me wishing I had a blunt spoon in my purse....


About the nice guy. He seems nice, but then he also kicked my butt at a game last night. And I hate losing. Even more than that, I hate the thought that this guy might be better than me at something. Stupid and vain right. Well, nice to meet you. It's not that I'm a bad loser, just that I'm a way better winner. I think it also really shocked me because while he seemed nice and all, I had clearly underestimated him. I didn't expect to meet an equal--certainly not--and here he is. All kicking my butt (and when I say kicking my butt, I mean, ASS meet HAND, yah, it was that bad). I've met maybe one equal before, sigh, and that went awry for so many reasons (mostly because I wouldn't leave my husband and run off into the sunset with him after he divorced his wife "for me." Uhhh yeah, maybe you should have asked me about that idea BEFORE deconstructing your life on the assumption that our friendship could end up in a sunset, hello). Anyway, I don't know if he is an equal yet, and I haven't met him yet, but Im pretty sure, being that I kinda like him, that he won't like me in person. Yep. I mean, it can't work out so nicely right? Right. GOD, I could eat my arm right now.


I haven't had it in me to check match or POF today. I've gotten the emails, and yeah, yeah, we all know that 400000000 people want to meet you on POF, aka bang your face off, thanks. I'm just not in the mood to see idiot after idiot send me one word emails and suggest I give them a call sometime. Who just gives out their number to strangers?? Unsoliciting strangers for that matter? And match, ugh, I keep getting emails (can I get my money back?) because this may be a dating site, but apparently the men who sign up didn't get that memo. All the emails are just like POF except exceptionally veiled. Where on POF the profile says nothing pertinent and the description is like "looking for the right lady to spoil" (and of course the obligatory bathroom shirt off picture to go with it), on match they are wearing clothes and writing how they enjoy running marathons (read: Chasing you around the parking lot so they can molest you) or going out to eat (self explanatory, just insert mind into gutter). Not happening today. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. You know, if I don't fall in love on my date and magically transform into one of those people who think love is all we need and monogamy is a good plan. Yeah. OK. Sure.

Love is all we need. aahaahahaahaaaaaaaaaa.

You know what took it out of me? Driving in traffic in NYC. Not even because of the traffic or congestion, or any of that. Because of the sketch factor. Is it just me, or are men picking up women in traffic? From their car. Yah. THEIR CAR. I was driving on the Grand Central Parkway, traffic, as usual and I notice this SUV (covered in stickers, huge Puerto Rican Flag hanging from the rearview mirror, large --shockingly somewhat hot--man in the driver's seat with a dew rag on) that keeps pulling up alongside me. I look over and to my surprise, he is gesturing to me (also surprising, the gestures were PG). My window was already down, and he rolled his so he could yell to me from his car. Now traffic picks up, and we start going faster, and yet he stays next to me. (I'm thinking, this will be cute to explain to my insurance company when we crash). Anyway, he yells to me that I should take HIS number down. With what? My invisible pen and paper I keep on me while driving? Sure I had my cell there (which he yelled over that I should put it into), but he wanted to give ME HIS number. Wait. For what? So I could call and ask him out? So I could be his booty call? Eh, yeah, no thanks. So I yelled back he should take mine instead. He acted like I suggested he pull over and cut out his liver on the side of the road and eat it. I shrugged, and sped off, leaving him in the dust. Ok, there was no dust, being NYC, but I left him trapped in a slower lane, which by nyc standards, is so dust. He was cute, but on principle I turned him down. Recently I also had a uhaul driver try to pick me up, and a driver in a delivery type white van who tried to convince me to get off at his exit. I know it is hard to meet people to date, but really, 50 miles an hour winks and yelling from car windows isn't the answer. Right? Ugh. Maybe I let prince charming get away on the GCP. At the least, I definitely gave up a chance to be called Mami and have my ass slapped. Darn.

Maybe next time. ;)