Now Paging Debbie Downer

You Down With ODB?
(Old Dirty Bastard)

So, dirty old man from the other night at the pub texted me this morning, and I decided on a plan of attack.  I would either let it die out with like one text a day and just let it fizzle into oblivion, or I'd go with the whole bullshit line of not being over my ex and "aww shucks, guess I'm just not ready to date."   Not only that, but he knows someone above me at work, and you know, that could be awkward, especially since my money is on him already having told his brother and the gf about our "date."  Sigh. 

I totally am ready to date.  I'm over that shit.  But, I figured no need to hurt his feelings by telling him I  think he is a liar and creepy, and therefore I'm not interested.  So when he texted me and said that he could "sense [my] sadness" and that he hopes I "find peace," I was like oh hell yeah, he opened that door for me to slip in and get on that bandwagon.  So I wrote back that I guess I'm just not over it, and the feelings are still raw.  Totally thinking that this would end this awful encounter and we could move on (separately).  Instead, to my utter disgust, he wrote back, "I'd rather you be a different kind of "raw" ;)"

Oh.  Dear.  God.

I actually yelped in horror when I read it.  Yelped.  While at work.  Out loud.  Ugh.

Gross, man.

So, that didn't work.  I didn't reply, nor do I plan to.  ewww.

***

 Wax On, Wax Off


Speaking of the men from dating websites--namely plenty of fuckers...errrr...I mean fish, and OKCupid.  I just got a message from a man who has a profile picture of himself eating a slice of pizza with a hugely distracting unibrow.  I'm not talking a little unibrow.  This isn't a few hairs.  This is like a fucking landbridge of hair across his brow.  For goodness sake, wax, shave, anything! 

It is called waxing guys.  WAXING.  Your eyebrows should never, and I mean NEVER, touch.  Not even a little.  That much unibrow should be illegal.

***

The Impending Disappointment

Soooooo, what I didn't tell you is that I've been talking to a new guy.  I'm reveling in the banter, the texts, the phone calls filled with anticipation, with flirting, those delicious moments when you feel like there is a spark and you can't wait to see if it turns into a flame.  Filled with hope, deliriously drunk on lust and hope, ahhh, what a feeling.  Unfortunately, I know that it is a feeling of sadness that comes with it, b/c I know that in theory I'm the person of his desire.  On paper, on text, on the phone, I'm a catch.  But in person, when guys meet me and find I'm not a super skinny chick, well there ends that entirely.  So while I'm loving the moment and the feeling, it makes me sad too, b/c I know it isn't reality.  I know that come tuesday, when we are to meet, the reality will hit me hard, and he won't like me.  It has, sadly, happened before.  We were such a match on chat.  Entirely hit it off on the phone, the chemistry, the banter, the experience was amazing.  But the minute we met, I knew.  I knew there was no future.


And I know it is here again.  So, I fast forwarded it.  He already sent me a face pic.  So I sent one back.  Of course, I haven't received a reply text--but that was expected.  I might as well delete his number from my phone, because we all know I won't hear from him again.


It just is.



These moments make me a little sad and melancholy.  I think back to men over the years, that came close.  That ex that wanted me to leave my husband for him, who I did care about, who just got re-married to not-me.  Even though I totally put my heart out there and he ignored it.  I know he isn't the man I thought he was, b/c he didn't reply when the man I knew would have--even if to let me down easy.

Or I think about the guy I'm fucking on the side.  The one who is a delicious secret.  He has a sort of girlfriend, more like a baby mama that he is attached to, and who he can't seem to walk away from.  Mostly he stays because of the child, and even though I disagree, I can respect his choice.  I would consider dating him if the situation was different, but alas it isn't.  The other day at work someone made a comment that hit a nerve about my appearance, and I felt down about it.  I texted him that I felt unattractive, and being concerned I was upset, he called me.  He told me that if his situation was different that he would want to date me.  I told him that it was easy to say things like that when you can't actually run the risk of having to make good on them.  Then he disproved what he said, and totally put himself back into that category of men who just want to fuck me but probably wouldn't date me.


I mean, let's be honest.  There are two categories of men who are into me.  There are the men who want to date me, and the men who just want to fuck me but wouldn't date me.  The dating ones are a lot harder to find good ones, but I've never had trouble finding men who just want to fuck me.  That is easy, I mean, what man turns down easy, no strings, discreet sex?  Yeah, not many--regardless of who the chick is or what she looks like.


I guess even though my new fuck friend was just, and is just, a fuck friend, and I'm totally happy with that, and I know b/c of his situation that things are what they are--but I guess it made me feel good when he said that if the situation was different he would want to date me.  So a minute later, when he said he's my boytoy, well, that dispelled that bullshit immediately.  He's in the "just wants to fuck me" column, and that just makes me sad.  It's nice to feel wanted, for more than just free sex.  Oh well.


And then, it makes me think about that guy.  That one guy that has always been "that guy."  The one, that despite everything, you just always have in your life.  The one you measure people against, the one you compare men to, compare sexual encounters to, you know, that guy.  I saw him recently, and despite our last encounter where I realized he couldn't handle our relationship and it ended badly--and almost ended our 15plus year relationship/friendship, this time it was different.  Like night and day.  He was exactly the man I always knew he was.  He was grown, engaging, deliciously mature and sexy.  And when we got back to his hotel room, it was more than just the comfortable ease that we fall into like a worn and well loved sweater, it was a whole new kind of hot.  The chemistry was dripping off us, the attraction was tangible, and the encounter was deliriously intoxicatingly good.  And even after it was over, he still was the man I knew he could be.  No matter how many years that we've been intimate, or that we haven't seen each other, we fall back into each other so easily, so effortlessly.  This man takes my breath away when we are in bed--literally--he quickens my breath, he makes me want to please him, and even just seeing a (non-sexual) photo of him stirs in me a physical sexual response.  And yet, he is far away.  Once he offered to come live here, and I turned him down.  It is a conversation and a moment I will never, and can never, forget.  I want to find that kind of chemistry, everyday.  I want to experience it daily, to feel the electricity of that kind of encounter when I come home at night.


Where can I find that?  lol.  Apparently not on the dates I go on!!!! 


Maybe I'm just meant to be alone.

***

And that was joining a dating website....

Have you been on a dating website lately? It's like that time you were at the bar, and didn't know what to order, so the bartender made you something "you'll love." Which, of course, you didn't love, but in fact hated, but drank anyway. It was blue, and frothy, and tasted like bad decisions.

And then you made some.

Like going home with the married guy who claims his wife swings and is cool with it. You know that guy, the one who gets up at 6am to leave (and says "the thing about taking home a married guy is that at some point they have to go home to their wife"--um, great? sounds good to me), and he puts on the one sock he can find, and leaves that way in the cab you called for him, because no way you're driving him home: you're still drunk from the night before (clearly, as evidenced by your sockless wonder romp), and no way you driving home to the wife (and visiting in-laws--although, that being said, I can see why he didn't want to go home lol)--talk about an awkward drop off.

I mean, do you wave?

And then you find his other sock. and his undershirt. and his boxers. on your floor.

Yeah...it's like that, but worse because every mouthbreathing, all caps writing, thinks he is God's gift dating reject is going to be emailing you. And, you. might. have. to. meet. them. UGH.

So, you ask why did I join a dating website? Well, meh, why not? I can always use some more laughter, misery, and weeping in my life, right? Right. That and I'm not getting any younger, I'm divorced, and last time I went to a bar to meet men I was less than worked up into a lather over the choices of weird older guy who stares, guy who dances like he is humping something, creepy middle age couple who *both* smiled creepily after offering to buy me a drink (and yes, I checked, it was a regular bar, not a swing club), and the general male population that seems to have huge egos without anything to justify it. So when I logged online and saw the profiles, emails, and lack thereof, I knew this was too good not to blog about. Someone has to laugh their face off, besides me.

So, here I am. Not to be unenthusiastic, I joined not one, but three sites. I am a proud new member of Eharmony, Match, and PlentyofFish (I knew something smelled).

Eharmony seems like the we're going to get you married but only if you're conservative, missionary position only, able to describe yourself and what you want in 330 characters or less per boxed area, and really, REALLY patient. However, the graphics are nice and I like that they make up questions for you, so you have to be even less like yourself (unless yourself is uber lazy when it comes to soliciting blind dates, which I totally am, in which case, you're in luck!). Unfortunately, there is so little room to write, that you have to decide between letting your personality come through or getting out the pertinent information about who you are in the most basic form and who you want to meet (and presumably run off into a sunset with. Someone, please, cue the sunset.) However, you have to wait really, really, patiently for them to match you with people. Even then, you message someone, and wait. Then they message you, and you respond and you wait some more. I'm not sure if it is a dating site, so much as training for getting your license renewed. Oh, come on, who doesn't love a trip to the DMV?

Match seems a bit more open minded, and by that I mean maybe you could be the kinda gal who is down with your man bending you over a couch, like you know, three times a year and on federal holidays (but only the ones where the post office is closed, of course). They let you write more stuff, and see other members. You get to select if you would be interested or not, which in a way, gives you more control. If they like you back, you could have a match. Or you could have an empty inbox that makes you feel a little sicker each hour you incessantly check it to see if anyone (how could there not be anyone? Isn't there like 3 million people on that bitch?!!?) has messaged you, winked at you, viewed you, or call requested you. (Of course they send you to their sister site, Chemistry, where you can join and pay another membership fee. However, if you think about it, everyone who joins Match gets this service/offer also, soooooo aren't you just paying a second membership fee to talk to the same people?). Hmmmm. Deleted that account....

Now, on to the gem of the bunch: Plenty of Fish. Oh man. This site is special because not only can you find people to date, you can also find people to bang, have "intimate encounters," hang out with, be friends, and whatever else they're calling getting dirty dirty with nowadays. It is like adult friend finder had a baby with eharmony and birthed this nugget of boom boom dating fun. If you're looking for some pics of guys in the bathroom, pics with their girlfriends cut out, with their wedding rings still on, and pics of a few nice normal looking guys--this is the place for you.

Now don't get me wrong, they are all very nice sites, in the business of finding you, the paying customer, someone to love. Sounds reasonable to me. So here we go!

(now cue the sunset!!!)