That's right kids, I'll be wearing this bitchface all day, so get used to it.
I know it has been a while, but I am back!
I was busy, and I felt bad that some other guy might find this blog and be hurt (again).
And. . . I'm over it. Yeah, if you date me, you might find yourself on here, call the wahhhambulance. If you date me, you'll realize right away that I'm a bit outspoken, a bit blunt, a bit sarcastic, and a handful--so finding yourself on here, shouldn't be that much of a shocker. And if it is, well put on your big boy panties and suck it up. Wanna cry? Go write your own damm blog. Fucking babies. Geez.
SO, time for the REWIND.
1. Explode-a-buttinski---he put a comment (and adorably named himself "Explode-a-buttinski"!!! Best thing he has done so far.) I'll post it below: (my comments are like this as always!)
"Sorry to disappoint, that response was not from me. (of course not, I mean, it only had content that only the person actually ON the date with me would know, but sure, it wasn't you. Right. We all believe you. Uh huh. Totally) It was quite the misadventure, and it was amusing to read about myself on the interwebnetz. (that's funny, b/c you sure seemed quite pissed when you found it, and what are you 5? "interwebnetz? lol) I thought the blog was funny enough to show some friends about my comic mishaps. (well, it was hilarious, I'll give you that) I guess one of them felt compelled to reply. (You guess. "one" of "them." Yeah, ok, let's go with that bullshit) I guess some of them actually read or follow your blog now, because I heard about the anonymous reply today. (Sure, blame the anonymous friends, have some balls and OWN IT) Whoops. (ew) I guess it does add to the entertainment value of it all. (Um, what? Were you distracted by another ass-quake and forgot what you were talking about?? Must be it) I hope all is well, (thanks, it is!) I have no hard feelings about the blog, (Yeah, riiiiiiight) or anything else for that matter. (I can picture it now, he is skipping down the street with handfuls of AIM toothpaste, rolls of toilet paper streaming out of his ass behind him like streamers. You GO with your happy self you!!!) I actually met my fiance for the first time a few days after that comical first date, (FUNNIEST. SHIT. EVER. I can actually hear the dollar signs cha-chinging in his divorce attorney's office. I mean, it wouldn't be his first divorce, so luckily he already knows someone! Maybe the second time gets a discount? Divorce one chick, get the second one half off?) So, it's all good. -) (forget the eyes on that smiley face there sunshine?)
By Explode-aButtinski! on Bitter Little [exploding] Ass on 12/19/11.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm divorced too, but heck, I learned from that mistake! Please note, our date was around July of 2011, and by December of 2011 he was "engaged." haahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
I couldn't have ASKED for better news! I couldn't have MADE UP better news. Oh, juicy!!!!
Barely 6 months and you are already engaged? Ah, yes, sounds like a solid plan. Is she pregnant? Maybe she fell for the old "why-don't-you-wait-here-while-my-butt-explodes-and-then-we-can-go-make-out-in-my-room" routine. Or maybe she loves men who sit in cubicles, call out sick to go play at the beach, feel like their manhood is being questioned when a date kindly suggests something other than Indian food when his tum-tum hurts, and announces their butt-capades? Sounds likely.
Hey, if you are his "friends" who post and follow my blog, you should totally get him a gift card for a divorce attorney for the wedding gift. I'm all about practical gifts. :)
Mr. & Mrs. Buttinski sitting in a tree. S-H-I-T-T-I-N-G. First comes exploding, then comes wiping, then comes a mini-buttinski in the baby carriage. Awww, love.
(picture me, making the heart shape with my hands, awwwww).
(picture me, making the heart shape with my hands, awwwww).
Maybe they bonded over enormous sized ice creams? (Oh, man, please, let them both have licked the ice cream cups clean together). Or maybe, he finally got the balls to crap in a public (and co-ed--and PS what did he do in college? Like never crap ever? Wait, did he go to college? Hmmm) toilet, and she was sitting in the next stall and they had an exploding butt symphony together, ending with her passing him some TP under the door.
OR, maybe they had a "mag-shit-ical moment" outside a port-a-potty. I can see it now. Just thinking about it makes me want to reach for the hand sanitizer.
So this is love...mmmhmm mhhmm hhmmm....
It will end in tears my friends, it will end in tears. (Oh, and if this is his "friends," you might want to suggest he stop sniffing the AIM toothpaste, and not jump into another marriage right after barely being divorced.) lol. AMMMAZZZZING. If only I could be there for the divorce proceedings! Man, what a witness I'd make. ;)
Gems of Wisdom from "not-explode-a-buttinksi" (does anyone believe this at all? And who is with me that this guy needs to get over it---it was ONE date!!! lol)
Here are the points "they" made:
1. You sound like you are a smart mouthed woman (you got me there), who is desperate (wow, someone's got their panties in a bunch!), and gives these men a chance when you shouldn't. (Ok, I do give people a chance, even when maybe I shouldn't. BUT I think people deserve a chance, even a second chance, and why not? I'd like to believe people aren't inherently (leaking) assholes (contrary to ample evidence) and give them a shot.)
2. You seem to be angry (RAWRRRR!!!! I'M GONNA EAT YOUUUUU lol)
3. If you are having that many bad dates, it isn't the men you are dating, it is you. (OOOOh ZINGER!!!! Good one!!! First off, I talked about like 5 bad dates, ask around, it is the norm. Second, please, when I go on a bad date and he doesn't pee in the bed, doesn't have his ass explode, or doesn't offer to sign his CD for me, then I will 100% blame myself for the date being bad. Until then, it is them. Sorry, princess).
4. How could you talk to a guy for a while on the phone and not realize he wasn't the one for you. (what exactly, are you talking to these men about to "know if he is the one for you" by a few phone calls? Spanish Inquisition? Are you requesting social security numbers and background checks? Geez, I just had a few phone conversations, about like life and stuff. "The one," lol what a crock!!! Calm yourself, pumpkin).
So, let's bring it back to the present.
Since last we chatted (or last I blogged in a "desperate" way and "gave people chances I shouldn't have")--guess what I did. Yep, gave some more chances I shouldn't have. Can't change me now folks! I'm set in my kind ways!!!! Shit, I forgot to be desperate, dammit, next time I'll work harder. Promise. Fingers crossed.
Sorry To Announce...
The Announcer, yeah he's gone. No oral sex was good enough to justify me wanting to gouge my eyes out with a melon baller. He was a nice kid, but I remember sitting in the car, feeling the familiar feeling of the walls closing in when I know it isn't right, and wishing that the ferry we were about to take would sink so I wouldn't have to get on it with him. I just couldn't deal with the whole announcing every bodily function every time. As previously discussed, I don't want to know when you have to take a shit, or when you have to pee, or how much you peed at 2am last night. I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. (not even a little fuck). I don't need a text about your bladder. Nor do I want you to pee ON me. This right here, this is a no pee no crap zone, no doing, no talking about it. Thanks.
He also was the kind of guy who was sweet, but clueless, and I remember laying in my bed next to him after a little argument, and he was entirely confused and had no idea what to do to make things right, and I was just bored. Bored in the moment, bored in the argument, bored that he was clueless, bored next to him. And I realized in that moment that I was a woman dating a (mental) boy, who had no idea how to handle/wrangle a tornado like me. We are still friendly, and I am happy to report he has started dating someone--someone who obviously doesn't hear herself screaming RUN RUN RUN AWAY in her head when with him. And someone who has the patience to beg him to try a carrot. And sure, she kinda looks like a man. A man with a wig. But hey, love is where you find it. Good for them!
Shit, if you don't know what an apple is or tastes like at 30, well, I am not the person to fix you. Good for them! I hope it works out, and I'll give a lovely wedding gift if it makes it that far. Yay announcer and announcerette! (I wonder if she shouts it out when she pees too? Hey honey, time for a crap! Yay! Synchronized crapping!! Now that's a match made in heaven!)
The 36 Year Old Virgin
Did I tell you about this one? Well, not too much to tell. He is no longer a virgin (come on, you would have done it too, it was like community service at that point. And shit, I need some good karma). Don't judge me, like you wouldn't have fucked the new outta him? Sure you would have. Have a fucking heart people. (Amazing that I manged to get righteous about fucking a 36yr old virgin right? I know lol)
We still hang out, he is fun, but alas, not going anywhere (except for his bedroom) ever. Anti-climatic, right? I know, tell me about it. (ouch!) I think what pisses me off the most, is that he never cuts his nails. Now, ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Don't start fingering the lady parts with jagged uncut nails. Um, guys, do you want me to get braces and blow you? No? Same concept. I even bought him a nail clipper. Is clipping your nails once a week pre-sex too much to ask????? Apparently so.
Yes, you remember him? The ballless wonder who gave me a copy of his CD at the end of the date after putting me into a coma (kinda like how he drives). Well, about a year later, I opened up a (different) dating website, checked my mail, and to my surprise, guess who emailed me. Yep, the Narcissist! But, he didn't realize it was me! I have my picture up, and yet, there it was, in my inbox, all friendly and new. I wrote back, of course, and tried my hardest to play nice, but really, how do you go about saying "hey dumbass, are you shitting me? I don't look fucking familiar to you? You forgot that awful date we went on????" He remembered me then!!!!! Ahh, fun. Then he kept emailing, as if we were going to go on a date now. What, one per year? And it was AWFUL. There was a REASON we didn't go on a second date, soooo why would a year later I want to try again? Absence does not, has not, and will not, make the heart grow fonder. Ugh. Go falsely imprison someone else in your car buddy. Just not me.
Goal for this week: learn to play better with others. (just not the ass-y ones). Duh.